Hi, hello, how are ya. My wedding is in May. My MOH is sick (had to move in with her parents for care, walking and dancing at a minimum). My MOH also recently got engaged to someone she was dating for 3 months and totally forgot that I'm getting married (a year before her) (to my love-of-my-life-of-8-years) and oh yeah, she's agreed to be my MOH. Anytime I talk wedding, it's immediately turned to her - her sickness or her wedding. All of her other friends have given up on her, and she consistently tells me how grateful she is that I'm there for her. But, like, she can't do shit for my wedding. She didn't even know what weekend I said (1000 times) worked for my shower/bach party (lotta out of town girls) and it's MY BIRTHDAY. I'm just thinking, ok, you're dealing with a lot. But at least pretend to care about me.
I asked her because I didn't want to burden my little sister who is young and broke, and my friend seemed really enthused to be a part of the wedding. I feel like the only reason she said yes was to be like "look at what a great friend I am!!!" But if she's going to suck so bad, I'd rather have my sister standing next to me. I'm going to spend holidays with my sister forever, she'll be the aunt to my future babies, etc (I KNOW I should have just picked her, but I wanted stress at a minimum, and like I said, I didn't want to burden my sister.)
She also compares/competes now - telling me how much her ring cost, telling me how much her florist is, etc. and then asking me about mine. She is also stealing just about every idea I have and then executing it more and better and grander. She has a bit of a Kim Kardashian attitude where she brags about things she didn't exactly accomplish. When I confronted her about how much all this bothered me, she said "I thought that being engaged together was something fun we could do together!!" and then basically stopped talking to me (including getting back to me on real wedding plans like - do you want your hair did bc I'm making appointments). 1. I'm going through this engagement with my FH, not a girlfriend, and 2. What the what?!
She's been out of commish from the real world for about a year and a half now; she does not do normal human people tasks like working, doing laundry, etc. Her mom does all that. I know that with her illness and her life situation, I am not a priority, and I'd really just like to demote her to regular bridesmaid and promote my sister. Is this crazy talk? I feel like this way, she can focus her herself and I can actually have a nice shower/wedding/etc without worrying if my MOH is neglecting me or trying to one-up. She won't take this news well, but at this point, am I totally evil if I don't care?
On top of all this, my FIL is sick, money is tight (we're paying for the wedding, but out parents keep adding expenses that we Have To Have.... do we get a honeymoon, I dunno), and I started working a high-stress job. I feel like I need to remove any excess stress.
-Homegirl is making me turn into a Bridezilla, gross
My Sister Won't Come to My Wedding
Dear ESB;
My sister and I have had a strained long distance relationship for many years. I moved to a city 20 hours away from my home town to attend university, and have been living here ever since. I come from a hugely dysfunctional family and since moving away I have made many wonderful friends and met my amazing fiancee. I don't have a lot of contact with my family but I love them and miss them and want them to be a part of my wedding.
My fiancee asked me to marry him more than three years ago and we did not start to plan the wedding until recently. At the time my fiancee first asked me, I told my sister that she could be the MOH. I figured that even though we are not close and she has never been my biggest cheerleader, it was the thing to do. When I began planning the wedding my sister didn't really want to discuss it (I feel that she is probably very jealous) and it became increasingly difficult to feel good about the event with no support system near by or over the phone. She was so negative and nonsupporting of any of the choices I was making, and acting almost as if I was obligated to cater to her opinions and not my own.
I had no idea how hard it would be to plan a wedding without my family close to me. Going to dress shops alone and seeing the pity on the salespeople's faces when I said, no, my mother will not be by to see the dress. My FI and I decided fairly early on that we were not going to have a traditional wedding party, as I hate the matching dresses stuff and we didn't want to single any friend or family member out as being more important to us than another. We decided that it would just be a MOH and a BM, as we needed them to sign the paperwork. Throughout the preliminary planning stages my best friend stepped up to do all the bitch work with me with a positive attitude, enthousiasm and support. I decided that I wanted her to be the MOH because she is physically and emotionally here for me, and she is so excited. This decision was not a slight at my sister, but the best choice for me and my wedding. After all, there is no MOH internship, and I can't expect my friend to do all the work without giving her the honour.
My sister lost it when I told her. I do accept that I let her down and that I hurt her, and I truly feel bad about that. Just because we chose not to have a wedding party does not mean that I did not include my sister in the ceremony, and always intended to do so. She, along with my brother and my fiancee's two brothers were asked to carry the chuppah at the start of the ceremony, which all have accepted with pleasure, except my sister.
She has been pleading with me and guilt tripping me in extremely abusive and manipulative ways to try and get me to change my mind. She has pulled every dirty trick out of her bag and thrown it at me, always relating the source of her hurt feelings back to her experience of this event and the sad fact that she believes I don't love her. I said that no role I gave her in the wedding other than the one she wants will make her happy and she needs to get over that because it's not going to happen. It also boggles my mind a little because she has never bothered to try and get to know my fiancee, so why does she care so much about our day?
Last week, she sent me an e mail stating she would not participate in the ceremony because the custom “meant nothing to her” and that she will not attend the wedding. She also expressed that she no longer wanted to have a relationship with me and closed with “see you at the next funeral.” Frankly, after all the drama, I think I would prefer for her to not attend. (I have had a couple of dreams where she misbehaves at the wedding that have freaked me out a little. In one she threw a glass of red wine all over the front of my dress.) If the tables were turned and she didn't include me in her wedding, I would respect any decision she made and help out in whatever way she needed me to. I don't need to be her MOH to know that she loves me, but I guess she needs a title, a bad dress and some flowers to believe I love her, and that to me is truly sad. This situation has definitely put a cloud over the event for me but in the end, I just want her to come and celebrate with us. It is going to be a great party and I think the only person who is going to regret her choice is her. I do have a feeling that at the last minute she will decide to attend and everyone (my family) will praise her for being such a good sister for showing up. I feel like this is her last attempt to try and get me to change my mind, but I'm sticking to my guns. At this point she has caused me so much pain over my own wedding that I don't want her to stand up for me because someone who loves me would accept my decision with grace.
Do you think I did the right thing?
decline a bridesmaid
dear esb:
i am writing you, cause i love your honest and realistic advice, and because i need a third party's opinion.
one of my oldest friends is getting married in april. from high school to about last april, we were best friends. the type of best friends that we joked about how if we were single-old-maids, we'd live together with dogs. but last year when i dated a guy, she was not supportive about it and was quite vocal about her dislike [not to me, but to other people]. basically, we've drifted apart, and i would no longer consider her my best friend. however [and possibly unfortunately], we're roommates until i graduate in april.
she started dating a guy she has been close to for over a year now, and they just got engaged. i am happy for them, because they are in love and happy, but when she asked me to be her bridesmaid, i realized i wasn't that happy for them. i don't really want to be in her wedding party, and i don't know if i want to be forced into spending more time with them then i have to.
they as a couple are obnoxious, in-your-face and inconsiderate. here are a few examples:
- her fiance kisses her while he is in the middle of a conversations with me. i hate pda more than imaginable, and i brought that up. i talked to them, and told them that pda makes me uncomfortable. their response, "Leslie, when you're in love, you'll understand." i could've strangled someone.
- they are always in our apartment. always. if they have a free time, they are together, and 98% of the time, it's at our apt. even, if i am out in the living room watching TV. i have had a volume battle with them on multiple times. [keep in mind that he lives in an apartment complex literally 30 secs away]. it might not sound obnoxious, but over five months, it's getting really, really obnoxious.
is it reasonable for me to decline her offer and if so, how do i phrase it?
thanks,
a very disgruntled roommate.
Mother of the bride thinks i'm a servant
Dear ESB,
I'm one of your french followers and love your blog! Great ideas and refreshing honesty!
I coming to you with a little dilemma : about 3 months ago, my BFF got married, I was one of her MoH (her sister was the other) and thrilled to be. Everything went well, the bachelorette, helping with some wedding details, etc…
Comes the wedding day, and the mother of the bride asks for my help for numerous things, ex : driving with family friends (no problem there, we're all going to the same place right?), being responsible for the groomsmen flower pins (they're grown-ups, but whatever), taking care of the prayer books and placing them in the church (no problem there either, we've got time). Once the ceremony was done, I was designated to round up all the 200 guests to go the venue where the rest of the party was held, then upon arriving there, Mother of the bride comes again to tell (not ask…) me to arrange the flowers in the ball room thus missing the photo-shoot (I appear in only ONE official photo). Later that night, I changed dresses (having previously checked with BFF/Bride, and getting a full "OK, wear that dress, it looks great!") and the mother shoots me black looks the rest of the night because some of our common friends complemented me.
Anyway, forward to now, my BFF has been making remarks that I only appear in one official picture, that I was pretty busy that special day and not enough "there for her".
I know that I should have had the courage to tell her mother to cut me some slack, but I didn't… Shame on me.
Here's my question, I don't want to create problems, but at the same time I don't like having to cope with the "blame" and would like to explain why it was so, can I tell my BFF about her mother's attitude towards me during the wedding? or would that be "rude" and should I just let it go?
Thanks for your view on this.
Take care!
Ripped Apart
Dear ESB,
I am in the midst of a full-on clusterf*ck rage, but have calmed down just enough to type out this request for help (or at least a new perspective).
I recently got married, and my wedding was wonderful, everything a girl (or guy) could hope for, right down to the expensive designer dress I wore. However, because we (hubs and I) are on a budget, I decided to sell my dress afterwards to recoup some costs. I was so careful about wearing the dress I even had a second (cheapie) dress to wear during the dance! As I was being whisked away on my honeymoon directly after the wedding, I asked my oldest friend and MOH to do the honours of having the dress cleaned at a reputable cleaners and sending it on to the buyer (I'd already sold the dress). I gave MOH a blank cheque and told her it was incredibly important that this dress be in pristine condition for the next bride. She later told me that she got a great deal by taking the dress to her boyfriend's Dad's business and that his mom did some "minor" repairs. I wasn't thrilled to hear that she didn't take the dress to either of the businesses I had recommended, but figured she was working in my best interests. The last time I saw the dress it had a few minor tears in the tulle, but was otherwise fine.
Fast forward to now; I had a dispute with the bride who bought the dress because she said it was in incredibly poor condition; everything from giant tears to colour fade to (gasp) entire elements of the dress missing. I didn't argue with her much when I saw some pictures, but still figured she was exaggerating. I offered the bride a full refund and sat back and waited for my dress with a sinking feeling in my stomach...for very good reason. I got the dress back just hours ago and barely recognize it. The damage is extensive, and someone has definitely taken shears/amature skills to it in an attempt to hide the damage. Basically, my MOH's boyfriend's parents ruined my dress, and now I don't know if I will be able to sell it at all. But worse than that, my MOH must have realized that the dress was damaged and not told me. She was the one who packed it for shipping, so she would have seen what condition it was in after cleaning (she also bustled it at the wedding, so she, more than anyone, knows what it is supposed to look like!). I am convinced she knew, and just thought I would never find out. I have not yet spoken with her, but that is only because a) I'm so upset and b) I have no idea what to say.
So, my question, ESB, is what would you do if your oldest friend and MOH purposely lied to you? I don't want to be the kind of idiot who ruins a friendship over a dress...but she lied to me. Am I overreacting?
Sincerely,
Ripped Apart
Ready to pull out the Bridemaids' hair for THEM
Dear ESB,
My fiancee and I are getting married in November. Yayyyy!! I've asked my closest family and friends to be the bridesmaids. Yayyyy!! My dilemna lies with the anxiety these tricks are giving me. None of the girls are married (the ones that are causing anxiety anyway) so they really have no idea how many miniscule idiotic details are entailed in planning a wedding. My fiancee and I made a pact at the point of the engagement that we would NOT stress about planning this wedding. We want to fully enjoy this momentous ocassion to its fullest extent. Now, I know that (at least for me) it will be nearly impossible to be stress free when planning the wedding however, we have succeeded as much as possible to date. A couple of the girls are LITERALLY up my rear end about picking a dress. I told them that they'll be wearing black dresses and I've been on the hunt for cheese free but still reasonably priced bs dresses but this isn't sufficient for them. I know there are a ton of places that do cheese free bs dresses but can't find any that offer dresses that cater to the budget of less than $200 that I'm looking to fulfill and I abhor the idea of getting dresses at someplace like David's. I'm not concerned, at least not yet, that there won't be enough time to get the girls dresses. So I guess my questions for you are: A) Am I warranted in wanting to issue the bridesmaids that are causing stress a big STFU (shut the f**k up until I find something? and B) Could you suggest places that I can look to secure dresses that would suffice for a wedding in the budget price point of less than $200??
Signed,
Ready to pull out the Bridemaids' hair for THEM
My fiancee and I are getting married in November. Yayyyy!! I've asked my closest family and friends to be the bridesmaids. Yayyyy!! My dilemna lies with the anxiety these tricks are giving me. None of the girls are married (the ones that are causing anxiety anyway) so they really have no idea how many miniscule idiotic details are entailed in planning a wedding. My fiancee and I made a pact at the point of the engagement that we would NOT stress about planning this wedding. We want to fully enjoy this momentous ocassion to its fullest extent. Now, I know that (at least for me) it will be nearly impossible to be stress free when planning the wedding however, we have succeeded as much as possible to date. A couple of the girls are LITERALLY up my rear end about picking a dress. I told them that they'll be wearing black dresses and I've been on the hunt for cheese free but still reasonably priced bs dresses but this isn't sufficient for them. I know there are a ton of places that do cheese free bs dresses but can't find any that offer dresses that cater to the budget of less than $200 that I'm looking to fulfill and I abhor the idea of getting dresses at someplace like David's. I'm not concerned, at least not yet, that there won't be enough time to get the girls dresses. So I guess my questions for you are: A) Am I warranted in wanting to issue the bridesmaids that are causing stress a big STFU (shut the f**k up until I find something? and B) Could you suggest places that I can look to secure dresses that would suffice for a wedding in the budget price point of less than $200??
Signed,
Ready to pull out the Bridemaids' hair for THEM
My Maid of Honor Is Clueless
My maid of honor is my wonderful college roommate that I've known for eight years. After college I moved from Colorado to DC to be with my now fiance and she stayed in Colorado. Knowing that friendship fades with distance we make a point to vacation with one another every year. While vacationing together last year, she told me that she was sick of the corporate grind and was going to quit her job in February to backpack around Asia and Europe for five months. I thought it was a little silly to quit her job in this economy but I wished her the best and asked her to email when she could. Then I got engaged in December.
I'm not a particularly needy bride, so knowing that she was going to be traveling for five months I still asked her to be my maid of honor for my October wedding. I figured that she would be back in the states by July and could start planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party then. A few months ago my future mother-in-law approached me about hosting a shower and my MOH thought it would be better if she hosted it because she wasn't familiar with my fiance's family and the city. I was ok with the decision and just asked my MOH to help with the planning (e.g. no silly games, no ribbon bouquet).
The shower is planned for early-July and my MOH is flying into DC from Paris (the last leg of her five month trip) then flying home to Colorado after the shower. Again, I was ok with this and assumed that she would come in a few days before the shower and leave a few days later so that we would have time to catch up and talk about her travels and the weddings plans.
Well it recently came to my attention that she's flying into DC the afternoon before my shower and leaving at 7 AM the morning after. Essentially she's going to be in DC for 36 hours. Jet lagged. With five months worth of laundry. Then, one of my bridesmaids let it slip that they're planning my bachelorette party for the night of the bridal shower.
After I found out about the plans I offered my MOH my frequent flyer miles (enough to purchase a roundtrip plane ticket) so that she could come back to DC and plan my bachelorette party for later in the summer (like closer to my actual wedding date). She declined and said that she didn't mind pulling an all-nighter. I pointed out that I would rather her enjoy my bachelorette party and that I didn't feel like the timing was right. Again, she declined.
I'm really at my wit's end. I didn't ask my MOH for much but I did ask her to plan a kick-ass bachelorette party. I feel like she doesn't give a crap about my bridal shower/bachelorette party, and now I don't want her to plan my bachelorette party if she can't take the time to do it right. What do you think? Am I being oversensitive?
- PO'd in DC
I'm not a particularly needy bride, so knowing that she was going to be traveling for five months I still asked her to be my maid of honor for my October wedding. I figured that she would be back in the states by July and could start planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party then. A few months ago my future mother-in-law approached me about hosting a shower and my MOH thought it would be better if she hosted it because she wasn't familiar with my fiance's family and the city. I was ok with the decision and just asked my MOH to help with the planning (e.g. no silly games, no ribbon bouquet).
The shower is planned for early-July and my MOH is flying into DC from Paris (the last leg of her five month trip) then flying home to Colorado after the shower. Again, I was ok with this and assumed that she would come in a few days before the shower and leave a few days later so that we would have time to catch up and talk about her travels and the weddings plans.
Well it recently came to my attention that she's flying into DC the afternoon before my shower and leaving at 7 AM the morning after. Essentially she's going to be in DC for 36 hours. Jet lagged. With five months worth of laundry. Then, one of my bridesmaids let it slip that they're planning my bachelorette party for the night of the bridal shower.
After I found out about the plans I offered my MOH my frequent flyer miles (enough to purchase a roundtrip plane ticket) so that she could come back to DC and plan my bachelorette party for later in the summer (like closer to my actual wedding date). She declined and said that she didn't mind pulling an all-nighter. I pointed out that I would rather her enjoy my bachelorette party and that I didn't feel like the timing was right. Again, she declined.
I'm really at my wit's end. I didn't ask my MOH for much but I did ask her to plan a kick-ass bachelorette party. I feel like she doesn't give a crap about my bridal shower/bachelorette party, and now I don't want her to plan my bachelorette party if she can't take the time to do it right. What do you think? Am I being oversensitive?
- PO'd in DC
Passive Aggressive Bully Maid of Honor
Dear ESB,
I just found your blog and what great advice I did get by reading other people's issues and answers. However, I'm still in a pickle. This will sound very familiar in the beginning, but my real conundrum is at the end and boy would I sure appreciate some feedback. If you have the patience to read through this and hopefully post it, I'd be much obliged.
I just found your blog and what great advice I did get by reading other people's issues and answers. However, I'm still in a pickle. This will sound very familiar in the beginning, but my real conundrum is at the end and boy would I sure appreciate some feedback. If you have the patience to read through this and hopefully post it, I'd be much obliged.
The long description is pertinent to the feedback I'm asking for, I feel. I'm getting hitched, next month in fact. My problem involves my oldest friend being a volunteer bridesmaid or MOH for lack of better wrods. My fiance and I are going kind of non-traditional and not too formal but it's gonna be a party nonetheless! We are foregoing the traditional best man and bridesmaid thing but I wanted to at least ask my BF (I'll call her BF1 for clarity in this story) to bear witness. My fiance and I were really looking forward to arranging it all ourselves: venue, catering, invitations, decor etc., so I told her she didn't need to do anything, just show up, besides, some major tasks (venue, dress, guests) were already being finalized. She asked if I needed any help numerous times. Knowing her tendencies to complain and get grumpy I told her "no thanks, your presence is enough." She kept asking anyway, said she was great at wedding stuff, that it would be fun and easy for her since she'd done it so many times before. So I gave her the task of getting catering quotes. I was truly grateful, she was enthusiastic and helpful. Along the way, I decided I wanted to acknowledge my friendship with another good friend and asked her also as my other witness (I don't love the words bridesmaid or MOH.)
The only thing I asked was that they wear the same color dress. The dresses didn't have to match, they could be existing dresses in their closets and that I would arrange and purchase their bouquets and headgear (flowers and such.)
In the meantime, I had been entrenched in multitasking and over my head in work projects and knew I couldn't put my head into my own wedding game for another couple of weeks though had been looking forward to clearing my schedule and jumping in. My plan was to treat the two ladies to a pedi and dinner once my head was cleared. BF2 has been a huge support as well but NO drama.
Ok, so BF1 does great with catering quotes. I thank her profusely. She asked for more tasks, again very enthusiastic but my spider senses told me no and I listened. Her jokey comment that she felt like "my assistant" was the red flag that prompted me to casually say, "hey you've been really great, very valuable. But I can totally get the rest from here, you don't have to do anything else." I was gushing.
The incident: One day BF1 and BF2 were going to meet me at my house at a predetermined time and leave from there to the city. It was something I planned to do alone but invited them both so perhaps they could get together and hash out their dress colors. I said to them both, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO but you're welcome to tag along for fun, we can all go window shopping. BF1 lives 40 minutes away. BF2, who offered to drive everyone to the end destination, lives 5 minutes away. Final destination, another 30 minutes away. I made a point to remind BF#1 that we needed to meet no later than the given time and that BF2 would be driving. I did so because she had a tendency to always be late - very late. Not an exaggeration. We're talking no less than 45 minutes late the last few times she's come to see me. (She never invites me to her house.) After 20 minutes past the given time I get a txt from BF1 that she's stuck in traffic. BF2 had changed her plans for the day to get to my house on time mind you. In my mind, if I say I can be there at the given time, I'll be there, not think in the back of my head "well I live far so they should wait regardless."
30 minutes past I call BF1 to find out if she's moved any in traffic. No answer. I leave a voicemail suggesting - not stating because I didn't know what her current situation was - that perhaps we meet her in the city at which point, would have been much closer a drive for her anyway. I've had to do this a time or two myself as I live far away from my city friends. What's so hard about this, "hey guys, looks like I'm gonna be super late, run on, I'll meet you there." Also, BF2 has somewhere else to be later that day. BF1 texts me that she can't believe I would "do this to her." That after driving all that way, I couldn't even wait. At this point it's 40 minutes past. My response was. "REALLY?" She then later texts me that after dealing with all my "shit" this is the thanks she gets.
Were it only me, I'd have just waited like I had done so, so many times before. But this time there was someone else's time (BF2) to consider.
After recounting the above incident to friends and people that know her, some of the comments have been "well golly, you should feel bad for her, her best friend is getting married!" As if I didn't know! Trouble is, that's just more of the same garbage - letting her act like a child AT me because I feel sorry for her.
I did not respond with anger to her but given the "shit" comment, it did prompt me to ask her if that's how she felt about my wedding (which I have been too busy to shove down anyone's throat much less enjoy any enthusiasm myself) that I needed to know if she still wanted to come. It's been many days, no answer. Feeling confused.
I would absolutely love some feedback, thoughts anyone who wants to weigh in.
Am I being too sensitive and cheap?
Hello ESB,
I am in the midst of planning my wedding which is going to happen in less than 4 months. One of my best friends recently got engaged as well. Because she is deployed in Iraq right now, her wedding won't be until May or June of 2012. However, she trying to get all of her bridesmaids to get dresses right now! All of the other girls are fine with that, except for me. My fiance and I are planning and paying for our own wedding, and I just don't have any time or money to start spending for someone else's wedding. She wants us to get the dresses now because she's worried that they won't be available more than a year from now. Am I being too sensitive and cheap? Or is she being too ridiculous in her demands?
I am in the midst of planning my wedding which is going to happen in less than 4 months. One of my best friends recently got engaged as well. Because she is deployed in Iraq right now, her wedding won't be until May or June of 2012. However, she trying to get all of her bridesmaids to get dresses right now! All of the other girls are fine with that, except for me. My fiance and I are planning and paying for our own wedding, and I just don't have any time or money to start spending for someone else's wedding. She wants us to get the dresses now because she's worried that they won't be available more than a year from now. Am I being too sensitive and cheap? Or is she being too ridiculous in her demands?
Having Second Thoughts
I've been best friends with "T" for a few years now. We were both dating guys we knew we would eventually marry and promised each other we could be each other's maid of honors. She got engaged before I did and we immediately got my bridesmaids dress (translate: I can't back out of her wedding). Since her engagement she's been extremely hard to be around. Though she may have gotten a little more self-concerned since her engagement I think it's really me that's changed. I just don't enjoy her company like I used to. Fast forward to my engagement and I'm really having second thoughts about her being the maid of honor. My sister and I have grown closer and I'd really like for her to be the maid of honor instead of T. T's wedding is April 2011 and mine is March 2012. That's not really enough time for me to slowly "drop" her as a friend and still plan my wedding. I mean, she'll be expecting to help me.
I just don't know what to do! Should I tell her to F off or just suck it up?
I just don't know what to do! Should I tell her to F off or just suck it up?
My Bridesmaid's Gone Rogue
I have debated emailing you for awhile but have decided to.
Here is my story... fairly shortened.
I had a friend, well she was my best friend for about 6 years. I lived away at school & she lived here in my hometown (where I am getting married) and we talked everyday- she told me about her multiple secret lives (she is mormon but would do everything mormons weren't supposed to do) & I wouldn't judge her becuase she was my friend. I was a good friend, one of her best friends that she wouldn't have to untag in facebook pictures because her family may see them, I would come over and hang out with her family & was good friends with all of them- basically we were best friends. So naturally when I got engaged I asked her to be in my wedding.
I moved home in May of last year, saw her several times in the summer- which was odd but I wrote it off as us being busy. I saw her the first week of August and then didn't see her again till December at Christmas time- ya I know... so much for being best friends if we can't see each other for 4-5 months while living in the same town. This is when I started thinking hmmm... she isn't really my best friend anymore, won't really answer my phone calls & won't return them- can't make time for each other.
I put part of the blame on my shoulders... but its obvious we are not friends like we used to be. I thought maybe things will get better... I tried telling her that if things were too busy or since we can't make time for each other then maybe I should just have family in the wedding... she assured me that things would get better. Well they haven't and recently she we were supposed to take a trip to California and things didn't go as well as I had hoped... as well as it would have gone if we were best friends.
I guess after all this... my question is... we aren't friends like we used to be & I don't just want bridesmaids up there to stand with me- I want them to support my fiance & I's decision and be there for us- and I don't think she is that person to me anymore. It makes me sad and I have avoided telling her for sometime because I wish we were still friends and don't want to cut ties with her family but I am stuck. (Everyone else in the bridal party is basically telling me to kick her out) & I don't know how to tell her (I am not one to lie) or what to say- I would rather it be in person but by our track record I wouldn't see her till the wedding.
Thanks,
[My] Bridesmaid['s] gone rogue
Here is my story... fairly shortened.
I had a friend, well she was my best friend for about 6 years. I lived away at school & she lived here in my hometown (where I am getting married) and we talked everyday- she told me about her multiple secret lives (she is mormon but would do everything mormons weren't supposed to do) & I wouldn't judge her becuase she was my friend. I was a good friend, one of her best friends that she wouldn't have to untag in facebook pictures because her family may see them, I would come over and hang out with her family & was good friends with all of them- basically we were best friends. So naturally when I got engaged I asked her to be in my wedding.
I moved home in May of last year, saw her several times in the summer- which was odd but I wrote it off as us being busy. I saw her the first week of August and then didn't see her again till December at Christmas time- ya I know... so much for being best friends if we can't see each other for 4-5 months while living in the same town. This is when I started thinking hmmm... she isn't really my best friend anymore, won't really answer my phone calls & won't return them- can't make time for each other.
I put part of the blame on my shoulders... but its obvious we are not friends like we used to be. I thought maybe things will get better... I tried telling her that if things were too busy or since we can't make time for each other then maybe I should just have family in the wedding... she assured me that things would get better. Well they haven't and recently she we were supposed to take a trip to California and things didn't go as well as I had hoped... as well as it would have gone if we were best friends.
I guess after all this... my question is... we aren't friends like we used to be & I don't just want bridesmaids up there to stand with me- I want them to support my fiance & I's decision and be there for us- and I don't think she is that person to me anymore. It makes me sad and I have avoided telling her for sometime because I wish we were still friends and don't want to cut ties with her family but I am stuck. (Everyone else in the bridal party is basically telling me to kick her out) & I don't know how to tell her (I am not one to lie) or what to say- I would rather it be in person but by our track record I wouldn't see her till the wedding.
Thanks,
[My] Bridesmaid['s] gone rogue
Tacky Email Queen
Dear ESB,
Argh! I got engaged Dec 2nd when my now fiance swooped me off on a surprise weekend getaway to a B&B in the outskirts of Virginia. Since there was no cell reception, it was a painful task to even call my closest family members that night, which I barely managed. Since I still had wifi, later that night I updated my status on FB with a picture of the engagement ring & my changed relationship status. Tacky? Probably so, but I also work in social media and let's admit it, this is pretty typical behavior nowadays for a lot of people.
Still, I got engaged on a Friday and didn't call my BFF who lives in Chicago (I live in DC) until the next Monday evening. She was never too keen on my fiance or any guy I dated for that matter, so it wasn't a surprise that she wasn't overly excited to hear the news. She seemed faking-it enthusiastic and distant when I mentioned that I didn't know if I was even going to have bridesmaids, but I knew I wanted her to be up there with me for sure on the big day.
Then I didn't hear from her for weeks. Very strange for us and then when I did a few times three weeks later, she never mentioned my engagement or anything relating to it. It was like she chose to ignore it was happening, but we had a close friendship, so I figured she needed time.
So I sent an email asking four girls to be my bridesmaids. I contemplated the best way to ask my friends, but they live in different cities, so I just thought fuck it, i'll send an email. Since I know my BFF is pretty broke (she's largely been supporting her boyfriend who kinda sponges of her), I put a disclaimer in there about how there were many honors in our wedding should a bridesmaid feel uncomfortable with the expenses and responsibilities associated with being in the bridal party. Everybody else responded enthusiastically right away but her. Radio silence.
But I knew she was coming out to DC for NYE, so I planned to talk with her then. She pretty much ignored my engagement ring albeit while complimenting me on my nail polish color (WTF) and didn't congratulate us at all when we went to lunch in DC. Ignored the whole thing until I brought it up and she was like, "Oh yeah--when's the date again?" Our fellow Chicago friend (and a bridesmaid) who was also visiting and staying with me that weekend even noticed how she was oddly ignoring the whole subject.
So, we went out dancing that NYE night - the three girls and our boyfriends - and big drama ensued later when my other Chicago friend asked if my BFF was a bridesmaid when they were sharing a cab to another bar I was supposed to meet them at. She erupted and said she was hurt that I didn't call her first and she only heard about my engagement on FB and that being a bridesmaid is a lot of money and work...yada yada yada...
The next morning, hangovers and all, we hashed it out over the phone. Basically, she thinks my fiance and I should've sat her down and asked her in person to be a part of our wedding (nevermind the fact that I never see her since she lives in another city or that HELLO, I'm the one getting engaged!). I told her I could tell it was more that that since she had completely ignored the whole subject even before I asked her to be a bridesmaid and I had told her by the way that I wanted her to be one the Monday after I got engaged!! I told her it was pretty obvious she had a problem with my fiance since she had ignored the whole subject for weeks before I even sent the email. I said, "Look - all I really need to know is if you're going to be in the wedding party or not." She told me she couldn't condone my marriage and I said, "Fine. Then you'll get an invitation." She responded, "As long as it's not by email." at which point I hung up on her and haven't spoken to her since.
Since then she sent me one text message two weeks later asking if I could call her that night to talk and an ecard on Valentine's day saying she loves me and will always cherish the memories we've had together and despite what I might think, she only wants the best for me.
Still sounded a little back handed to me, so I didn't respond.
My former BFF was always a little quirky, possessive, and competitive with me, but this has really made me reevaluate my entire relationship with her. My fiance is true blue, caring, loving, and all about me, so I just don't get it! I She's only met him two or three times in the two years we've been dating. I'm not sure if it's because since I moved from Chicago, I've advanced rapidly in a new career and landed a great guy (we're both financially stable, he owns a great apt, and we travel internationally together quite a bit) and like I said before, she's been struggling financially to support both her and head bf. Plus I think she's really wanting to settle down and start a family, two things that have never been high on my immediate priority list. But I feel like her issues with my wedding are just issues with herself, but she's not willing to admit it. I'm honestly too consumed with work, wedding planning, and all the rest to deal with her drama at the moment and not sure I want to invite it back into my life since it's been pretty smooth sailing since she's been absent.
Is this shitty of me? Should I try and have a conversation with her or just write her off? She stil hasn't apologized and if I'm honest with myself, maybe we've out-grown each other? What should I do?!
Yours,
Tacky Email Queen
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