My Maid of Honor Is Clueless

My maid of honor is my wonderful college roommate that I've known for eight years. After college I moved from Colorado to DC to be with my now fiance and she stayed in Colorado. Knowing that friendship fades with distance we make a point to vacation with one another every year. While vacationing together last year, she told me that she was sick of the corporate grind and was going to quit her job in February to backpack around Asia and Europe for five months. I thought it was a little silly to quit her job in this economy but I wished her the best and asked her to email when she could. Then I got engaged in December.

I'm not a particularly needy bride, so knowing that she was going to be traveling for five months I still asked her to be my maid of honor for my October wedding. I figured that she would be back in the states by July and could start planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party then. A few months ago my future mother-in-law approached me about hosting a shower and my MOH thought it would be better if she hosted it because she wasn't familiar with my fiance's family and the city. I was ok with the decision and just asked my MOH to help with the planning (e.g. no silly games, no ribbon bouquet).

The shower is planned for early-July and my MOH is flying into DC from Paris (the last leg of her five month trip) then flying home to Colorado after the shower. Again, I was ok with this and assumed that she would come in a few days before the shower and leave a few days later so that we would have time to catch up and talk about her travels and the weddings plans.

Well it recently came to my attention that she's flying into DC the afternoon before my shower and leaving at 7 AM the morning after. Essentially she's going to be in DC for 36 hours. Jet lagged. With five months worth of laundry. Then, one of my bridesmaids let it slip that they're planning my bachelorette party for the night of the bridal shower.

After I found out about the plans I offered my MOH my frequent flyer miles (enough to purchase a roundtrip plane ticket) so that she could come back to DC and plan my bachelorette party for later in the summer (like closer to my actual wedding date). She declined and said that she didn't mind pulling an all-nighter. I pointed out that I would rather her enjoy my bachelorette party and that I didn't feel like the timing was right. Again, she declined.

I'm really at my wit's end. I didn't ask my MOH for much but I did ask her to plan a kick-ass bachelorette party. I feel like she doesn't give a crap about my bridal shower/bachelorette party, and now I don't want her to plan my bachelorette party if she can't take the time to do it right. What do you think? Am I being oversensitive?

- PO'd in DC



    You asked her to plan it. She is planning it. Let her deal with the jet lag/laundry/crazy schedule and just roll with it. And maybe even try to have some fun and say thank you.

  2. Sounds like she doesn't really want to be your MOH...

  3. I would say it sounds like she has a life outside of your wedding. I agree with Anon 11:14 -- chill out. She's putting in a lot of effort to celebrate with you, and saying she's not putting in ENOUGH effort makes you seem ungrateful and controlling. This is the one thing about your wedding you don't have to plan. Just enjoy it.

  4. here's the deal: you don't know what the bachelorette party entails yet so you can't *really* know it's level of badassedness, can you? I agree it's a little lame that she's only going to be there for barely over a day, but it sounds like she's got some major life stuff happening behind the scenes too.

    If you're really disappointed that the bachelorette party isn't happening closer to your wedding date, ask another bridesmaid to check it out for you (but please try not to ruin the surprise for yourself). If that bridesmaid doesn't seem to worried by the plans as they are, then chances are neither should you. If she feels that the timing issue is an issue, she might be able to break through to your MOH and get things done.

    Either way, this isn't your last chance to see your MOH or anyone else before the wedding (or after, for that matter). Let them dote on you when they can in the way they know how!

  5. I agree that you need to just let this one go. You asked her to be your MOH knowing her travel intentions. If you wanted a MOH to be at your side the entire time, you should have picked someone else. No one cares as much about the wedding as the bride. And wedding showers, bachelorette parties are a privilege NOT a right.

  6. The main question is whether she's flaked out before. If she has a history of handling her shit, don't worry about it. Bachelorette parties don't take a ton of planning - as long as there's booze and good people surrounding you, it'll be plenty memorable. I agree with ALKD: there's probably something happening behind the scenes (like scheduling her flights). Don't worry about it.

  7. Wait, she is flying from PARIS to be at your shower?

    Back the hell off.

    Just because your life revolves around the wedding, hers doesn't. You'll have your party (agreeing with Kat- if you have alcohol and friends it will rock) and your friend will be there with you. If she's willing to leave behind EUROPE for a BRIDAL SHOWER she is already amazing (you never know if she wanted to stay a week longer and is just telling you she was already coming back that day.) As for "flying back to plan it later-" she's been gone for 5 months. She might want to be home. And like you said, this economy sucks and the girl needs to find a job. Don't make her fly back and forth just because you want this massive bachelorette party.

    Stop being a pill and be happy you even get to see her. Maybe even buy her a Red Bull and give her a hug for coming at all.

  8. She planned her trip around the world before you got engaged... This could be her "once in a lifetime experience" - perhaps you could be bit more understanding, not to mention appreciative that she is flying from Paris to be there for your shower! (And besides you ASSUMED she would be back in July... did you think to ask?? She potentially cut her trip short for a bridal shower and you have the nerve to be annoyed and ask for even more?!)

    You asked others to plan it - let them plan it crazy pants. If it isn't satisfactory, then plan your own damn party the second time around.

    Ugh... all I hear is whining and resentment. BE GRACIOUS!

  9. Thanks to those of you who told me to chill. I am going to chill and let her do her thing. I guess I needed perspective.

    And to answer some of the more biting comments:

    1. She planned on coming back in early-July and actually picked the shower date because it was cheaper for HER to fly from Paris to DC to Denver than Paris to Denver. I could care less when it was.

    2. She spent 4 months in Europe in 2004, 3 months in Europe in 2007, 3 months in Costa Rica in 2008, 1 month in Panama in 2008, 1 month in Thailand in 2009 and now 5 months in Asia (all for pleasure). I think it's pretty safe to say this trip wasn't her once in a lifetime opportunity. And she's noted in several emails that she's ready to come home.

    3. Nobody said "massive" bachelorette party. More than 36 hours of my MOH's time? Priceless.

  10. My fiances BM lives across the country and can't afford the time or money to fly back and forth for the bachelor party. He is coming two days before the wedding and leaving the day after. My one request was no bachelor party the night before the wedding, and the rehearsal is two nights before, so they're having the bachelor party right after the rehearsal. He's flying in, rehearsing, partying. No one here is crying about it. We offered to cover his plane fare for the wedding or before the wedding if he wanted to fly in for an earlier party, but he refused. Did you ever think it might be awkward for your MOH to receive your FF miles? She's supposed to be supporting you, maybe she feels weird taking a handout and is doing the best she can with the situation?

  11. looks like this blog is turning into everyone loving on the MOHs and hating on the brides, interesting!

    either way, my MOH is planning my shower and bach and asked me when i wanted them and took charge from there. i think its a little weird she didnt ask from the get go the preferred dates of both events, but thats just me. but in the big picture, its minor.

  12. I am surprised that I'm going against the grain so much by saying I don't think you're out of line... I would be annoyed if my MOH was trying to cram 2 big events into one day. And it doesn't seem like she couldn't afford the ticket, girl likes to travel. Plus, she was asked to be MOH, which... was maybe a little bit of a bonehead move bc this girl seems like a little bit of a flake? But the point is she accepppppted and she should be trying to make this a great experience for you. Not a check on her to-do list before she gets home. I agree, ask her to stay another day and tell her why it matters to you.

  13. You asked a globe-trotting girl to be your MOH,this was partly your doing. Part of your disappointments come from you assuming she'd be in town longer etc... If you wanted someone by your side to hold your hand and plan events it would have been better to have a MOH in your town. Be ever so grateful that she's flying in just for you.

  14. I agree, choose your MOH based on your expectations. She's been out of the country so many times? So this isn't exactly a surprise right? And detailing how often she travels doesn't really make her travels less important in her world just because they coincide with your wedding. Your world may revolve around your wedding right now, but no one else's does (as happy as we may be to be included).
    That being said! Not all girls know the responsibilities they are agreeing to when their friend extends the request. My friend changed her MOH halfway through, because the original just wasn't going to be able to handle it all. And it turns out, there are a ton of things a bride really has to rely on her MOH for. Try and enjoy things that can't be changed, and if anything else is worrying you, try and get the maids/MOH to divvy up duties so you're not relying completely on one absent friend.

  15. Have two parties! I'm getting married in July and my MOH is a boring planner, knows this, but still wanted to plan a bachelorette I am letting her..but I decided to plan a second kick ass party closer to the wedding. everyone is happy!


  16. How about being gracious about what you are getting? She's making a massive effort to be there for your shower/bachelorette party. Two of the most boring events events a woman is required to go to as a friend. Appreciate it. Say thank you. Get over yourself. Oh, and bachelorette parties are awful and tacky even when you've assigned someone to make them, "kick ass."

  17. Easily, the publish is really the greatest on this laudable topic. I concur with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward to your future updates. Saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the fantastic lucidity in your writing. I will instantly grab your rss feed to stay privy of any updates. Solid work and much success in your business enterprise!