My bridesmaid is a selfish money-grubbing bitchmonster

I'm so glad I found this website. It's nice to know there are other horrible people out there too.

So I'm getting married in a month. I just got back from my bachelorette party, which we had in Las Vegas, because my MOH lives there and we thought since she'd be flying in for the wedding, it was only fair that we fly out for the party ('s Vegas). The bridesmaid of issue was initially completely pro Vegas bachelorette party. She wanted to make sure we didn't spend more that $1000, which was fine because we weren't going to get anywhere near that, so all was well. A few months passed and it started getting close to time to plan this thing, at which point she finally dropped the fact that she had planned a vacation to Germany for herself for the month leading up to my wedding (wedding is on the 20th, she gets back from Germany on the So, we adjust and decide to schedule the thing well in advance, she gives us the dates that work for her, and I schedule everything and start looking for flights. Point of clarity - my other two bridesmaids were incredibly busy and incapable of helping me plan this party, I don't really hold it against them since one was deployed to a warzone and the other had just started a professorship in a foreign country at the beginning of the year.

So I go to book the flights and hotel, get the ok from badbridesmaid on the cost, and ask that she pay me back the next time we see each other. When that finally happens, she haggles with me on the price, and gets mad at me that I'm asking her to pay for the full cost of her plane ticket instead of just the cost before taxes and fees. In hindsight, this should have been a red flag, but I just figured she was stressed. After all, she had, a week earlier, bitched me out for not being able to come in to work on a project with her (we work in the same graduate lab) because I threw my back out the night before literally carrying a dude I found on the street having a seizure to my car to get him to the emergency room. She's not usually unreasonable - it must have just been a mood.

Fast forward to the actual party. She starts planning what she wants to do before we leave. Not what the group should do - she ignored those emails - but her plans for gambling and seeing Britney Spears. She complains that I didn't check us in early enough to get seats together. She complains that, once we land, I won't let her gamble at the penny slots in the airport terminal because my other bridesmaids are waiting outside to pick us up. She complains that we have to drop our stuff off at the room instead of immediately getting dinner because she's hungry. She complains about the cost of food so much that my sister pays for the entire meal and drinks just to shut her up. She complains that we aren't going to a club that night, since we've got VIP passes to hit the clubs the next night. She complains that, at 4 am, we all want to go the fuck to bed instead of "going out" and bitches me out for asking her to watch Orange is the New Black on her Kindle in the living room of the suite instead of in the bed we're sharing because it will keep me up and I want to sleep. She freaks the fuck out and screams at me for touching her pillow because now my hand germs are on her pillow and I'm so disgusting that she can't sleep on that pillow anymore and needs a new one. She waits until we turn the lights off then immediately gets in bed and watches her fucking kindle anyway, insisting that it's not bugging me when I'm telling her that it is. I eventually give up, grab my pillows and the blanket and go to sleep on the couch. She complains that I took the blanket.

This basically goes on for all of day two as well. She never paid for anything for herself if it cost more that $5 - she'd just bitch about it until someone else felt uncomfortable enough about it to offer to cover it for her. We all decided to take one of those old-timey photos together at one point, and once we were all in costume and the photos were taken and it came time to print them, she announced that she didn't want one. The woman in the shop explained that the cost was for each person in the photo, and she had given us a group deal for four people, but still, no. I had planned to pay for the photos myself as an early bridesmaid gift to remember the trip by, and even when I explained this, paid for them, and offered her a photo, she refused, saying she didn't like it or want it.

Eventually she bought her own dinner - we planned to split the tab four ways, but she insisted that she pay cash for the exact value of her meal (not including tax or tip) and that we split the rest (including tax, tip, and her multiple drinks). When the waiter explained he couldn't divide the bill like that she freaked the fuck out again and griped and pouted about it for the rest of the night. She also bitched about the cost of her drink at the club we paid for her to get into, and constantly tried to pull me away from my other BMs so I would only dance with her. It was nothing but a constant stream of "I want", "I don't want," and "I can't believe I had to pay for this." Then she started taking drinks from a group of strange men because she didn't want to pay for her own, but wanted to be drunk. I pulled her away from them and explained that it wasn't safe for her to do that (she works at a university, she should know better) and the second I let go of her, she went right back to them and took another drink they had sitting on their table ready for her. I got my sister to drag her away from them again. Of course about five minutes later she was screaming to the world about how happy she was and how she wanted to go to another club, and 10 minutes later she was feeling super drunk and tired. We had to carry her back to the room while she was going on about how she couldn't understand how she was so drunk from a few sips of a rum and coke (yup...she got herself roofied). It basically went on like this for all of the last day as well.

The real kicker came when we arrived back home. I was driving us back to the town we live in, and she was going on and on about Germany, and eventually started talking about how glad she was that everything in Vegas was covered for her because she needed a fresh gel french manicure and planned to use all the money she saved to buy presents for herself while she was abroad (I got a 15 minute long explanation for why she only ever buys things for herself when she travels). I guess the last straw for me was when I pulled into a gas station and she asked if she could give me some money to help cover gas. I said "sure, that'd be great," and immediately her response was, " I have to? That's going to cut into my winnings from the slots." She went on to ask if I was going to fill the tank up and how much gas I thought I would need to get back home. In the end she gave me $10. It was the only thing she even partially covered for me on the entire trip.

I'm currently working on figuring out how to tell her that she's no longer welcome at my wedding, or for that matter in my life. She completely took advantage of me and my bridesmaids, and did everything she could to ruin this trip for everyone but herself. More than anything I feel guilty for basically letting my best friend and sister get conned into paying for her shit. I know you're supposed to "fire" a bridesmaid in person, but I honestly don't think I can be in the same room as this girl without smacking her. Part of me is also feeling really guilty for caring about money at all - I usually don't hold stuff like this against people if it's just one incident. But this honestly feels like a situation where I've been completely taken advantage of, and I'm fucking mad about it. How does one completely burn a bridge with a person you thought was a good friend only days before? Is it cool if I wait to email her until the night before she leaves the country? I'm afraid she'll egg my house or key my car (she threatened both after the pillow touching incident). Is your bridesmaid making you want to purchase a home surveillance and security system finally enough reason to cut ties?

What happens in Vegas gets you a smack in the face when you get home you stupid ho.

My Maid of Honor is a Cunt

I really have no other word for her, besides perhaps "bitch" and "ohhellnodonotwant," which isn't really recognized by the OED.

I'm a maid in my friend's wedding. I was maid of honor, and sharing the title with the Matron of Honor.  I stepped down after finally meeting her (we didn't meet until after the engagement) and feeling legitimately concerned that she was going to shank me.

This woman, in addition to being whiny, passive-aggressive, and nasty, is a terrible friend to the bride. She borrowed several thousand dollars from the bride for her own wedding, and instead of paying her back, took the money she had saved and spent it on drugs.  The groom doesn't like the MoH, and for the reasons mentioned above did not want to allow her in the wedding at all.  However, the bride insisted.  The psychological hold this woman has on my friend is a little terrifying.

Recently, Crazyface McGee and I "collaborated" on the shower, and by collaborated I mean that the bride came up with a theme, told it to both of us, and the MoH changed everything, while I continued with the original theme as dictated by the bride.  I handled the food and the venue, and the MoH handled everything else.

It was a nightmare. People were nice, and the bride was thrilled with the food and venue (Crazyface sneered at it and said that it was "fine, I guess,") but I wound up spending the evening sobbing because of how nastily I was treated by Crazyface and one of the other maids, Shenanigans McClardey (who is friends with Crazyface) and some of Crazyface's other friends, one of whom I came incredibly close to kicking out.  Shenanigans and Bitchy Tight-Wearing Anorexic Friend bitched at me for putting away the food too early (it had been out for 2 hours), then decided to sit in the middle of the venue and play a card game during clean-up instead of, you know, helping.  I will give Crazyface the fact that she did help clean, although since she appears to be anal expulsive and had made a mess of one of the venue's back rooms, I would have punched her in the face if she had sat down to play the game instead of cleaning up her own damn mess.

Everyone who was at the shower who I know has privately asked me what is up with Crazyface, because she is clearly batshit insane.

I've already bailed on the bachelorette weekend (Crazyface scheduled it for a weekend that I absolutely cannot get away, but has "subtly" implied over Facebook that I am a terrible friend for not completely arranging multiple personal and professional obligations to share a hotel room with her and Shenanigans, and try not to kill them both because it would make the bride sad).  As of right now, I only have the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself to get through, and I plan to have only the minimum interaction with them.

I pray no one dies.

Bridesmaid BS in Ruby Woo

Hey ESB,

I'm looking for some advice - and just a bit of rant time let's be honest - about my sister bridesmaid.

So I'm getting married in about 6 weeks, but I've been planning for about a year now.
I asked my little sister to be my only bridesmaid... The reasoning of which eludes me now but I think it was just that it would be a nice, sisterly thing to do. No other bridesmaid but her - I'm not into the giant pack of women in matching dresses thing.

So my sister is the baby of the family and has always been a bit spoilt. She's about 7 years younger than me and the only other girl in my family. We weren't super friendly as teenagers - she has a wicked temper and we would have screaming matches about dumb things. But we've started getting on pretty well since she became an adult -- she sort of settled down and became more normal. We even went on a trip together.

My sister is wedding crazy - she has Pinterest boards, she loves decorating. I could see her as a wedding planner. But it also means that I think she's getting a bit carried away.

So far, I've been shopping with her and bought the dress she chose for herself. Not the colour or length I had in mind but it's her dress and I want her to be happy. She likes to self-tan while I'm a pale girl - I've always felt she looks too dark but I hold my tongue. She feels free to tell me that my flowers are crap (I'm arranging the flowers myself and posting trial run pics on Instagram); I'm hurt but I keep it to myself. She turns her nose up at our casual planned reception in a local country hall but I forge on (and hire some waiters). She wants us both to wear a flower crowns -- kind of not my style but it might look nice and she's excited, so what the hell?

But now, icing on the cake now, she's at me to hire a professional make-up artist for the wedding. No, I say. That's not my style. I want my make-up natural and I'm doing it myself. I'd like you to do it with me too, I say. We'll help each other.

So shit hits the fan. (Did I bring this on myself by being too accommodating previously??).
We have a massive argument that involves me being a selfish bitch because I know how much she likes make-up and she really wants to look perfect for the photos. Arguments about how I'm not a proper bride because proper brides get their hair and make-up done by professionals. She literally says "I know it's your day but I don't care! I want to look good for the photos so I'm deciding what I do!"

Anyhow, where to from here ESB? Dropping her as BM has been mooted but I think that would damage our relationship irrevocably. I'm loathe to give in to her though. I ask for one thing! We always look weird enough together because she's super tanned and I'm not - add her wearing full make-up and me looking plain.

Or do I keep the peace, let her go to the make-up artist on her own?

Ok give it to me straight...

Not a proper bride.