My Maid of Honor is a Cunt

I really have no other word for her, besides perhaps "bitch" and "ohhellnodonotwant," which isn't really recognized by the OED.

I'm a maid in my friend's wedding. I was maid of honor, and sharing the title with the Matron of Honor.  I stepped down after finally meeting her (we didn't meet until after the engagement) and feeling legitimately concerned that she was going to shank me.

This woman, in addition to being whiny, passive-aggressive, and nasty, is a terrible friend to the bride. She borrowed several thousand dollars from the bride for her own wedding, and instead of paying her back, took the money she had saved and spent it on drugs.  The groom doesn't like the MoH, and for the reasons mentioned above did not want to allow her in the wedding at all.  However, the bride insisted.  The psychological hold this woman has on my friend is a little terrifying.

Recently, Crazyface McGee and I "collaborated" on the shower, and by collaborated I mean that the bride came up with a theme, told it to both of us, and the MoH changed everything, while I continued with the original theme as dictated by the bride.  I handled the food and the venue, and the MoH handled everything else.

It was a nightmare. People were nice, and the bride was thrilled with the food and venue (Crazyface sneered at it and said that it was "fine, I guess,") but I wound up spending the evening sobbing because of how nastily I was treated by Crazyface and one of the other maids, Shenanigans McClardey (who is friends with Crazyface) and some of Crazyface's other friends, one of whom I came incredibly close to kicking out.  Shenanigans and Bitchy Tight-Wearing Anorexic Friend bitched at me for putting away the food too early (it had been out for 2 hours), then decided to sit in the middle of the venue and play a card game during clean-up instead of, you know, helping.  I will give Crazyface the fact that she did help clean, although since she appears to be anal expulsive and had made a mess of one of the venue's back rooms, I would have punched her in the face if she had sat down to play the game instead of cleaning up her own damn mess.

Everyone who was at the shower who I know has privately asked me what is up with Crazyface, because she is clearly batshit insane.

I've already bailed on the bachelorette weekend (Crazyface scheduled it for a weekend that I absolutely cannot get away, but has "subtly" implied over Facebook that I am a terrible friend for not completely arranging multiple personal and professional obligations to share a hotel room with her and Shenanigans, and try not to kill them both because it would make the bride sad).  As of right now, I only have the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself to get through, and I plan to have only the minimum interaction with them.

I pray no one dies.


  1. Dear ESB,

    "my maid of honour is a cunt"?

    Goodness gracious young lady, do you actually eat with that same mouth? Since you spelt honour without the U, I assume you are of North American provenance? Brave of you indeed to brandish the word cunt with such nonchalance. From whence I come, the use of cunt in everyday speech is as common as chlamydia in Koalas downunder and Masshole skanks in Boston.

    And for the author of this post?
    It seems your Crazyface McGee; aka the MOH, is one thalidomide stump-sucking and prolapsed, thrush-festooned cunt. Pay her no mind.

  2. I'm a bride to be. I have an awful maid of honor who hasn't helped or done anything I've asked without putting up a fight. I have no choice but to make her my Maid of honor because I'm not allowed to speak to my younger sister who loves with my dad. This girl wont do anything I ask and she's always being mean to me or talking me down and my fiancé and his parents defend her like she's some sort of god. Anyways when I ask her to do something or I tell her I don't want to do something I'm instantly a bridezilla. I can't tell anyone no without being called a bitch. All I want is to have a good wedding day and everyone's ruining it.