Dear ESB,
I just found your blog and what great advice I did get by reading other people's issues and answers. However, I'm still in a pickle. This will sound very familiar in the beginning, but my real conundrum is at the end and boy would I sure appreciate some feedback. If you have the patience to read through this and hopefully post it, I'd be much obliged.
I just found your blog and what great advice I did get by reading other people's issues and answers. However, I'm still in a pickle. This will sound very familiar in the beginning, but my real conundrum is at the end and boy would I sure appreciate some feedback. If you have the patience to read through this and hopefully post it, I'd be much obliged.
The long description is pertinent to the feedback I'm asking for, I feel. I'm getting hitched, next month in fact. My problem involves my oldest friend being a volunteer bridesmaid or MOH for lack of better wrods. My fiance and I are going kind of non-traditional and not too formal but it's gonna be a party nonetheless! We are foregoing the traditional best man and bridesmaid thing but I wanted to at least ask my BF (I'll call her BF1 for clarity in this story) to bear witness. My fiance and I were really looking forward to arranging it all ourselves: venue, catering, invitations, decor etc., so I told her she didn't need to do anything, just show up, besides, some major tasks (venue, dress, guests) were already being finalized. She asked if I needed any help numerous times. Knowing her tendencies to complain and get grumpy I told her "no thanks, your presence is enough." She kept asking anyway, said she was great at wedding stuff, that it would be fun and easy for her since she'd done it so many times before. So I gave her the task of getting catering quotes. I was truly grateful, she was enthusiastic and helpful. Along the way, I decided I wanted to acknowledge my friendship with another good friend and asked her also as my other witness (I don't love the words bridesmaid or MOH.)
The only thing I asked was that they wear the same color dress. The dresses didn't have to match, they could be existing dresses in their closets and that I would arrange and purchase their bouquets and headgear (flowers and such.)
In the meantime, I had been entrenched in multitasking and over my head in work projects and knew I couldn't put my head into my own wedding game for another couple of weeks though had been looking forward to clearing my schedule and jumping in. My plan was to treat the two ladies to a pedi and dinner once my head was cleared. BF2 has been a huge support as well but NO drama.
Ok, so BF1 does great with catering quotes. I thank her profusely. She asked for more tasks, again very enthusiastic but my spider senses told me no and I listened. Her jokey comment that she felt like "my assistant" was the red flag that prompted me to casually say, "hey you've been really great, very valuable. But I can totally get the rest from here, you don't have to do anything else." I was gushing.
The incident: One day BF1 and BF2 were going to meet me at my house at a predetermined time and leave from there to the city. It was something I planned to do alone but invited them both so perhaps they could get together and hash out their dress colors. I said to them both, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO but you're welcome to tag along for fun, we can all go window shopping. BF1 lives 40 minutes away. BF2, who offered to drive everyone to the end destination, lives 5 minutes away. Final destination, another 30 minutes away. I made a point to remind BF#1 that we needed to meet no later than the given time and that BF2 would be driving. I did so because she had a tendency to always be late - very late. Not an exaggeration. We're talking no less than 45 minutes late the last few times she's come to see me. (She never invites me to her house.) After 20 minutes past the given time I get a txt from BF1 that she's stuck in traffic. BF2 had changed her plans for the day to get to my house on time mind you. In my mind, if I say I can be there at the given time, I'll be there, not think in the back of my head "well I live far so they should wait regardless."
30 minutes past I call BF1 to find out if she's moved any in traffic. No answer. I leave a voicemail suggesting - not stating because I didn't know what her current situation was - that perhaps we meet her in the city at which point, would have been much closer a drive for her anyway. I've had to do this a time or two myself as I live far away from my city friends. What's so hard about this, "hey guys, looks like I'm gonna be super late, run on, I'll meet you there." Also, BF2 has somewhere else to be later that day. BF1 texts me that she can't believe I would "do this to her." That after driving all that way, I couldn't even wait. At this point it's 40 minutes past. My response was. "REALLY?" She then later texts me that after dealing with all my "shit" this is the thanks she gets.
Were it only me, I'd have just waited like I had done so, so many times before. But this time there was someone else's time (BF2) to consider.
After recounting the above incident to friends and people that know her, some of the comments have been "well golly, you should feel bad for her, her best friend is getting married!" As if I didn't know! Trouble is, that's just more of the same garbage - letting her act like a child AT me because I feel sorry for her.
I did not respond with anger to her but given the "shit" comment, it did prompt me to ask her if that's how she felt about my wedding (which I have been too busy to shove down anyone's throat much less enjoy any enthusiasm myself) that I needed to know if she still wanted to come. It's been many days, no answer. Feeling confused.
I would absolutely love some feedback, thoughts anyone who wants to weigh in.
ummmm you made an arrangement to do something with a friend...you should have waited. Apologise. End of.
ReplyDeleteNah a change of plan is fine, if your late you have to expect that people do not have time to wait around, even if it is not the late persons fault. In fact if she is always late it shows that she thinks her time is more important than yours. ALso to get upset about something that most people would not even think about means that she just wants attention, I had a friend like this and it got so annoying, and after several chats it still did not change so I just cut her out, I suggest you have a clear all chat with her, if she still behaves like a baby after that just get rid. Also most people are happy when there friends get married, and if they are not they hid it so ignore all those people who say you should be more understanding.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure a lot of people will jump on here to say "She's probably upset that you are getting married, because she feels like she's losing her friend. You just need to talk to her...blah blah blah"
ReplyDeleteI call bullshit, but maybe that's because I've been dealing with a lot of shit this past month from family and I have no tolerance for it anymore.
My take? It's your wedding and your life. You don't need to explain the details. If someone is toxic to your situation, then remove yourself. She hasn't responded? Send her a note saying that it would be best if she were no longer involved in your wedding based on her feelings toward you. Move forward without her. You make it sound like this isn't the first time she's acted like this.
My BF1 and BF2 each reacted differently. BF1 was so genuinely happy for me she couldn't stop saying it (even now). BF2 straight up told me she was genuinely happy for me, but realized it was going to be a big change and that she was dealing with some sadness, too. In other words, she was honest. It *is* possible for friends not to act like cunts.
I don't believe weddings bring out the worst in people. I believe weddings bring out the *truth.*
BF1 is totally out of line. It would have been one thing is you were the only person being inconvenienced by her (really serious) tardiness, but she was also inconveniencing BF2. That's rude, inconsiderate, etc. If she suspected she would be late by any more than 10 minutes, she should have called you and told you that she would just meet you there, or that you should just go on without her. She was the one "doing this" to you, you were forced to adjust your plans because of her.
ReplyDeleteAlso, where does BF1 get off insinuating that she feels like your assistant, when she was the one asking for tasks? A lot of people get married. This means that a lot of people's best friends get married. That does not mean that the still-single ladies have a free pass to be passive aggressive, selfish, and needy because they feel left out/like they're losing their bff/whatever.
BF1 is trying to convince you that you are the one that has behaved badly; she is wrong. You do not owe her anything, and if she does not get back to you ASAP with an apology, she does not deserve to be in your wedding.
I am someone who happens to be chronically late. Those 5-10 minutes really piss off a lot of people, and I UNDERSTAND. I am wrong, they are right. I even feel like I need to apologize RIGHT NOW to a bunch of strangers who will never have to look at their watch and wonder when I'm going to be there.
ReplyDeleteBitch was 45 minutes late then threw a hissy at YOU! As ESB would say, let her off the hook. Who wants the drama that day?
As someone who is also chronically 5-10 minutes late, I agree with Melissa. That's fine she was late - it happens, but her response is what is worrying.
ReplyDeleteIf she is really your close friend you obviously can't just ditch her after one stupid incident, but you do need to talk to her and ask her what is going on. She over-reacted to what is a completely normal request to modify plans to meet somewhere else....You should be clear though, when you talk to her, that you aren't going to tolerate behavior like that - you don't seem to have time for it. Just ask her "What's wrong, because clearly you wouldn't respond to me like that while I'm so stressed and busy if something wasn't going on" And then let her apologize. Make sure YOU don't apologize for anything....she might get the impression that she deserves the apology and not you.
Also - she sounds like she needs to be needed a bit - maybe ask her to be your mental support while you deal with everything, and see if she can step up. If she accepts then you can throw the fits when you need to and she can be the reasonable one. At least she will be more conscious of the fact that you need her to be mentally supportive and not a whiny friend. Some people aren't capable, but it might work. Good Luck.
Meh, I think you made the right response. Either she'll be a grownup and stump up with an apology huzzah, or she won't and she will no longer be a pain in the ass, even better. Therefore, this sutation is the opposite of a catch-22. A win-win, that's the word.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, yes, life's too short. Your marriage is not about your bridesmaid.
I don't believe weddings bring out the worst in people. I believe weddings bring out the *truth.*
ReplyDeleteSo very wise, Chesapeake.
I saw a comment recently on another blog I follow that was something to the effect of, "NOT being a bridezilla is overrated." The context was, essentially, the pressure for women to not be heinous bitches while planning their weddings, and "keeping perspective" and all of that has led to a lot of sane, cool women to be walked all over by their so-called "friends." You don't need that shit.
I would, however, give her a chance to explain herself/apologize, etc. Anon 9:46's advice is perfect.
She may have behaved badly, and it may be stressful, and of course you're not marrying her etc
ReplyDeleteBUT
Friends are worth their weight in gold. If she means something to you, don't be so quick to cut her out.
She may be so hurt at the slightest thought that you might not want her in the wedding anymore that she won't respond. But if you both love about each other really, then talk and make up.
Then look back and laugh about it together in years to come.
Many of these ladies are onto something.
ReplyDeleteI am also one of those chronically late people, and just in the last two weeks have also had a situation that was "let me meet you and we'll ride together early" and turned into "I am running 3-4 hours behind departure time, so obviously I will meet you there." (My travel time to said destination was 3.5 hours away, anyway.)
If BF2 had not been involved, then you'd have had no choice to wait. But it's not BF2's responsibility to wait. BF1 has to understand that. So yes, she was out of line. But give her a few days. Don't count her out yet.
Also along the lines of "her friend is getting married, she's sad duh", I was asked to be in a friend's wedding in 2009 (she asked me the year before), and did so with a heavy heart. I was excited, but I had just gone through a really horrid break-up with a longtime/live-in boyfriend, and I got the yucky jealousies over her whole affair. But I tried to suppress it, and only wrote in a paper journal about it, and helped her out with whatever, regardless. I did get excited, and was a good little bridesmaid.
ReplyDeleteBy the time her invitations came into the mail to me, I opened it as I looked across the room to my then-boyfriend and thought, "If I bring him to this wedding, that's going to be a big deal." And he did come, and in about 6 months, she'll be in my wedding (to said then-boyfriend, now-fiance). Any jealousies obviously passed and her wedding was great fun.
Point being: her personal situation may not make her so wedding friendly now. Maybe she's asking for tasks in order to try to move herself past her bad feelings. But her bad feelings are not your fault. And you shouldn't have to suffer as a result.
Whatever she's feeling, she'll get over it. Just give her time. If you don't need her to do anything, then you don't need her to do anything. If she doesn't get over it by the wedding, then she won't, and you'll still have at least one awesome witness at your side. And if she doesn't get over it, period, then that's also not your fault. As anon 1:45 said, it's a win-win.
Okay, so if you do want to smooth things over with her, I think you have to know in your head that you were right but feign she was right. Send her an email (or call, she may send you to vm but prepare for her to actually answer) saying you feel terrible that you weren't able to connec the other day but you really appreciate how understanding she has been and can't wait to see her again soon. Sounds like a huge lie to you but to her: she thinks she was right and you are lucky all she did was say 'shit' and she was more understanding than she should have been. B/c you tell her how understanding she is, she may actually gain a tbsp of understanding and chill out. You've basically told her how she's going to feel by complimenting her...
ReplyDeleteOtw, if you just are fed up with her and this is the last straw, so to speak, don't say a word unless she reaches out to you and then you can take it from there...
honestly, it sounds like you're being super passive aggressive with her. am i the only crazy that thinks so too? she throws a hissy fit because she's late and you and BF# wouldn't wait. totally rude. so TELL HER that she's done something hurtful EXPLICITLY. don't say "oh that's how you feel about my wedding, do you still want to come?" WOAH.
ReplyDeletealso, if she's been a kind of lame friend forever (hyper sensitive, always late, someone who's feelings you ALWAYS have to juggle around) either confront her or deal with the fact that you have chosen to let her continue to be a bitchy human AND continue to be in your life. be a little more confrontational, lady.
Joannzipan- are you f*cking serious? BF1 was late, why the f*ck should anyone be obligated to wait for her?
ReplyDeleteoy. with friends like these, who needs friends ?
ReplyDelete@anon 4:01 maybe joannzipan IS bf1??
ReplyDeleteI might wait 30 min for someone unless there's a major reason for lateness. You had plans, she's not making an effort to be on time.. See ya!
seriously? if you are late, apologize, not the other way around!
ReplyDeleteand i don't get it, being married is not always the end of friends, or communication with the outside world is not cut off. as far as jealousy? be patient, last year my younger cousin, who was 19 years old, got married, i had never even had a boyfriend (strict family, not allowed to date til i was 17, and there were no prospects in my small town). i was one of her bridesmaids, and literally the only single person at the wedding. point is, there is no real excuse for it but bitchiness.