My Bridesmaid's Gone Rogue

I have debated emailing you for awhile but have decided to.

Here is my story... fairly shortened.

I had a friend, well she was my best friend for about 6 years. I lived away at school & she lived here in my hometown (where I am getting married) and we talked everyday- she told me about her multiple secret lives (she is mormon but would do everything mormons weren't supposed to do) & I wouldn't judge her becuase she was my friend. I was a good friend, one of her best friends that she wouldn't have to untag in facebook pictures because her family may see them, I would come over and hang out with her family & was good friends with all of them- basically we were best friends. So naturally when I got engaged I asked her to be in my wedding.

I moved home in May of last year, saw her several times in the summer- which was odd but I wrote it off as us being busy. I saw her the first week of August and then didn't see her again till December at Christmas time- ya I know... so much for being best friends if we can't see each other for 4-5 months while living in the same town. This is when I started thinking hmmm... she isn't really my best friend anymore, won't really answer my phone calls & won't return them- can't make time for each other.

I put part of the blame on my shoulders... but its obvious we are not friends like we used to be. I thought maybe things will get better... I tried telling her that if things were too busy or since we can't make time for each other then maybe I should just have family in the wedding... she assured me that things would get better. Well they haven't and recently she we were supposed to take a trip to California and things didn't go as well as I had hoped... as well as it would have gone if we were best friends.

I guess after all this... my question is... we aren't friends like we used to be & I don't just want bridesmaids up there to stand with me- I want them to support my fiance & I's decision and be there for us- and I don't think she is that person to me anymore. It makes me sad and I have avoided telling her for sometime because I wish we were still friends and don't want to cut ties with her family but I am stuck. (Everyone else in the bridal party is basically telling me to kick her out) & I don't know how to tell her (I am not one to lie) or what to say- I would rather it be in person but by our track record I wouldn't see her till the wedding.

Thanks,
[My] Bridesmaid['s] gone rogue

18 comments:

  1. There's nothing wrong with cutting the string and telling her directly, even if you still invite her to the wedding. She won't care much, especially if the friendship has dwindled so.

    Life's too short to be politically correct. Just be nice about it, and do it in person.

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  2. Maybe I'm cruel and heartless, but I say, as ESB has said many a time in the past, CUT THE BITCH OUT. Or more politely, let her know you're letting her off the hook.

    You basically gave her a little notice you would've wanted more support and she didn't pull through. Call her up and lay it down.

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  3. can I just say how excited I am to see future entries in the "mormons gone wild" category?!?!

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  4. she needs to know and you need less things to worry about.

    stop trying to hold on to your non-existent friendship. are the ties with her family more important than her "friendship"? if so and you MUST have her in your wedding, contact someone in her family to see what her deal is and why she is MIA.

    if not, then expect ties with her family to be an "innocent bystander". you already tried to contact her and are obviously trying harder than she is, so just let her off the hook.

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  5. Am I alone in thinking it's the letter-writer being a bit needy here? It's just a wedding, lady, not a time to start doing performance reviews on all of your friends.

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  6. Why do I love the word cunt? Wait, I know.

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  7. Tacky Email QueenMarch 25, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    This is Tacky Email Queen, the other crazy pants who submitted a post, but I can totally relate. I got a lot of sh*t from my post for not being direct and failed to mention that my BFF also went missing for about three weeks (wouldn't return my phone calls)after I got engaged. It's weird, but many gals have told me getting married and getting preggers are two major life events that seem to bring out the weirdest feelings in some of our fellow sisters. After getting engaged I was really forced to reevaluate my old friendships versus new friendships and decided to foster some of my newer friendships (made three of these girls bridesmaids) since these are the girls that I see often. We've gotten so much closer and I was shocked at how involved they've been in the planning. So, my advice? Let her off the hook & look forward to building new memories with the gals who are around you now!

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  8. I wonder what part of the story you shortened...

    You sound like you are whining, and that you reached out to ESB to give you a hug and make you feel better.

    I am pretty sure you are an adult because you are planning your wedding - so act like one: call her up and say, listen we haven't really communicated lately and we have grown distant. It's not that we aren't friends, but I am going to cut down my wedding party, and since you haven't been very involved I hope you wouldn't mind.

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  9. I second what @Elle said.

    Also, stay consistent with your abbreviations - & or and, what's it gonna be?

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  10. There is nothing like a wedding (or divorce or baby) to make you see who your true friends are, and it is crushing. What she is doing to you is as upsetting, if not more, than you asking her to step aside for a more roleworthy moh.

    This is your wedding, you want it to be perfect, tell her you need support, the moh role is not just to be there on the day, it is a crutch for the bride and someone to share some of the workload (esp if you are a regular bride without megabucks)

    Basically moh is your best friend/ partner in crime, the person you would do anything for at anytime and her for you. If you don't have one of those in your life, don't have one at your wedding!

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  11. i don't think it is her MOH, just a regualar bridesmaid.... sooo, she used to be "basically your best friend," but now you're "not best friends anymore." guess what? all relationships go through transitions. if she's not your MOH, what exactly do you expect of her? you haven't really mentioned any bridesmaid duties that she's failed to come through on, just that she isn't spending as much time with you as you'd like. even though she went on a trip with you to CA. maybe i'm in the minority, but i think you need to suck it up and not take things so personally. people grow apart and relationships change, but you don't have to make it about you and your wedding. it's just life. if you're gonna pissed at her for not jumping through hoops to show you how much she loves you and how excited she is about your wedding, then i guess to save future drama you should gently give her the boot. but i think it's more about you managing your expectations. from what you have described, i don't see anything she has done that is boot-worthy here.

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  12. Let her off the hook. I mean, it sucks that the "vibe is weird" or whatever, but if you can't imagine having this former BFF/current sort-of F up there with you, then have the conversation ("we can't seem to make time for each other right now, and I really need some commitment to this process in order to make things easy and streamlined."

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  13. What will it hurt to have her in your wedding? Has she been ditching out on duties? Were you going to ask her to be your MOH? Can't you just downgrade her to a regular bridesmaid? What if something personal is going on in her life? One more bridesmaid isn't going to ruin everything is it? Why ruin six (plus?) years of friendship for one day? Have coffee with her, talk it out, try to see what's going on in HER life that could be as (or more!) important than your wedding day. If she's totally unresponsive, let her know that you're a little hurt by her absence and see how she responds. TALK TO HER. Not us!

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  14. I'm with anonymous. Unless she's done something atrocious you aren't telling us about, I hardly think that being a bit busy right now qualifies for kicking someone out our your wedding party. If that happened to me, I'd be super sad and no longer want to be friends with that person.

    It sounds like something big is going on in her life — whether that's work or family issues or something else. It sounds like she fully intends to rekindle her relationship with you, but it's slightly overwhelmed right now. Instead of kicking her out, find out what's going on. I mean, if this woman has been your friend for that long, shouldn't you care about what's going on in her life?

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  15. Big life events are always opportunities to evaluate our lives, take stock of our situations. The comments above advise you to be dump this chick or make the effort to figure stuff out. They're right, you should def do one of those things. But first, you need to decide if *you* are interested in continuing this relationship.

    Friendship is a two-way street. Brides tend to get very "it's all about me" (myself included) in a way that they wouldn't if they weren't about to get married. It doesn't sound like you were really maintaining this relationship before you got engaged, and now the imminent wedding photos are forcing you to think about what that means. And while you're thinking, remember that your upcoming wedding doesn't mean your old bestie doesn't need something from you right now. Or maybe she just needs you to back the f*ck off.

    In the end, if you boot (or even "demote") this girl, your friendship is probably over. There's no coming back. If you're comfortable with that, you should definitely cut her scenes. If you aren't ready to give up on the relationship, you've gotta keep her and just manage your own expectations.

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  16. I think there may be something else going on here... the email mentioned that "she is mormon but would do everything mormons weren't supposed to do." I am assuming the author of the email is a mormon as well. If the BM is out drinking/partying/having sex, this could cause a lot of tension in the relationship.

    I'm thinking this is a little bit of not wanting the party girl to come and stand up in the temple. And that the lack of phone calls and spending time together might be also be caused by the religious differences... it's hard to spend time together when one person can't partake in the same activities as the other.

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  17. Your real question is how to spin the reasons (ho-hum trip to California and less frequent phone calls... ) you gave for writing off a friendship into a way to make yourself the victim in this situation... Yeah.... You can't. If you don't like the chick anymore, or if you've grown apart, say so and move along... But it doesn't sound like she's done anything to wrong you, so maybe it isn't her at all.

    Additionally, it bears mentioning that while you mentioned you aren't the type of person to lie, you've clearly already discussed this with the rest of your wedding party -- meaning the poor girl is already ostracized and your decision is already made... Do her a favor and let her know sooner ... the phone works both ways.

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  18. Im curious to know what you think of someone in the opposite situation. Im a bridesmaid and the bride wont retun my phone calls. I havent seen her for over four months. I had to ASK her about a Save the Date because everyone else got one. She says she wants me to be in her wedding, over text and IM, but im getting the feeling im a placeholder and not a friend. Any advice?

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