Tacky Email Queen

Dear ESB,

Argh! I got engaged Dec 2nd when my now fiance swooped me off on a surprise weekend getaway to a B&B in the outskirts of Virginia. Since there was no cell reception, it was a painful task to even call my closest family members that night, which I barely managed. Since I still had wifi, later that night I updated my status on FB with a picture of the engagement ring & my changed relationship status. Tacky? Probably so, but I also work in social media and let's admit it, this is pretty typical behavior nowadays for a lot of people. 

Still, I got engaged on a Friday and didn't call my BFF who lives in Chicago (I live in DC) until the next Monday evening. She was never too keen on my fiance or any guy I dated for that matter, so it wasn't a surprise that she wasn't overly excited to hear the news. She seemed faking-it enthusiastic and distant when I mentioned that I didn't know if I was even going to have bridesmaids, but I knew I wanted her to be up there with me for sure on the big day.

Then I didn't hear from her for weeks. Very strange for us and then when I did a few times three weeks later, she never mentioned my engagement or anything relating to it. It was like she chose to ignore it was happening, but we had a close friendship, so I figured she needed time.

So I sent an email asking four girls to be my bridesmaids. I contemplated the best way to ask my friends, but they live in different cities, so I just thought fuck it, i'll send an email. Since I know my BFF is pretty broke (she's largely been supporting her boyfriend who kinda sponges of her), I put a disclaimer in there about how there were many honors in our wedding should a bridesmaid feel uncomfortable with the expenses and responsibilities associated with being in the bridal party. Everybody else responded enthusiastically right away but her. Radio silence.

But I knew she was coming out to DC for NYE, so I planned to talk with her then. She pretty much ignored my engagement ring albeit while complimenting me on my nail polish color (WTF) and didn't congratulate us at all when we went to lunch in DC. Ignored the whole thing until I brought it up and she was like, "Oh yeah--when's the date again?" Our fellow Chicago friend (and a bridesmaid) who was also visiting and staying with me that weekend even noticed how she was oddly ignoring the whole subject. 

So, we went out dancing that NYE night - the three girls and our boyfriends - and big drama ensued later when my other Chicago friend asked if my BFF was a bridesmaid when they were sharing a cab to another bar I was supposed to meet them at. She erupted and said she was hurt that I didn't call her first and she only heard about my engagement on FB and that being a bridesmaid is a lot of money and work...yada yada yada...

The next morning, hangovers and all, we hashed it out over the phone. Basically, she thinks my fiance and I should've sat her down and asked her in person to be a part of our wedding (nevermind the fact that I never see her since she lives in another city or that HELLO, I'm the one getting engaged!). I told her I could tell it was more that that since she had completely ignored the whole subject even before I asked her to be a bridesmaid and I had told her by the way that I wanted her to be one the Monday after I got engaged!! I told her it was pretty obvious she had a problem with my fiance since she had ignored the whole subject for weeks before I even sent the email. I said, "Look - all I really need to know is if you're going to be in the wedding party or not." She told me she couldn't condone my marriage and I said, "Fine. Then you'll get an invitation." She responded, "As long as it's not by email." at which point I hung up on her and haven't spoken to her since.

Since then she sent me one text message two weeks later asking if I could call her that night to talk and an ecard on Valentine's day saying she loves me and will always cherish the memories we've had together and despite what I might think, she only wants the best for me. 

Still sounded a little back handed to me, so I didn't respond.

My former BFF was always a little quirky, possessive, and competitive with me, but this has really made me reevaluate my entire relationship with her. My fiance is true blue, caring, loving, and all about me, so I just don't get it! I She's only met him two or three times in the two years we've been dating. I'm not sure if it's because since I moved from Chicago, I've advanced rapidly in a new career and landed a great guy (we're both financially stable, he owns a great apt, and we travel internationally together quite a bit) and like I said before, she's been struggling financially to support both her and head bf. Plus I think she's really wanting to settle down and start a family, two things that have never been high on my immediate priority list. But I feel like her issues with my wedding are just issues with herself, but she's not willing to admit it. I'm honestly too consumed with work, wedding planning, and all the rest to deal with her drama at the moment and not sure I want to invite it back into my life since it's been pretty smooth sailing since she's been absent. 

Is this shitty of me? Should I try and have a conversation with her or just write her off? She stil hasn't apologized and if I'm honest with myself, maybe we've out-grown each other? What should I do?!

Yours,
Tacky Email Queen

32 comments:

  1. Dayum! That sucks. I'll offer advice by relating to you.

    When I got engaged, I went to visit one of my best friends in Tampa - about 1500 miles from my home. I told him about my engagement, and he didn't act excited at all. However, I told him he was invited to the wedding before I got that reaction - or lack thereof.

    He didn't SMS or email me for a few weeks after that, so I didn't invite him to the wedding. He hasn't talked to me since.

    Here's the deal - your wedding is a special day, and it needs to be as awesome as you can make it. I only wanted people who cared to be at my wedding, and you should feel the same way. No need for assholes at weddings.

    I'm sorry this is happening, but maybe it's for the best. It was for me!

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  2. arent people weird? i think you should just let it go, people show their true colors when it comes to weddings. my best friend got married last year and we had a long time friend, who was another bridemaid not show up for the wedding (or rehearsal or anything) because her grandma (who she never talked about ONCE in our 15 year friendship) died about a week before the wedding. and she hasnt spoken to the bride or the other bridesmaids and myself since. and she is single and jealous of others happiness and badly wants to get married, have kids, etc. so similar to your friend. i think you should move on and continue with your smooth sailing.

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  3. Your story is word for word my experience. I'm a second time bride. The first time my BFF exhibited the same behavior. I still invited her to my wedding despite it all. In return I got to watch her roll her eyes all night during my ceremony and talk shit throughout my reception. We hashed it out and made up. This time around it was the same attitude. She won't be invited this time. I won't be a fool twice. Your wedding is the beginning of your life with this very special man. Share it with people who believe in the both of you and really will treasure the experience. You won't regret it. Remember to put yourself first. It's hard but you can't let your emotions prevent you from seeing the real picture.

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  4. Holy Jesus this post is too long and dramatic for words... except it's all words.

    Obviously you're upset enough to ask total strangers for advice so I think you should give it one last go. Yes, she's being a biatch (which you already knew) but no one is too busy to call their long time BFF to try to work it out.

    And if it doesn't work out and she makes some snide comment again and you hang up again then that's the end of it and you never have to think or post about her again.

    p.s. I'm a SoCal transplant who lives in Chicago and (some of) these biatches be (wedding and baby) crazy.

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  5. I don't read this drama as being she's jealous that she doesn't have what you have, I read it as she's jealous that you have someone in your life who might replace her.

    I think she thought your relationship was very special and she deserved a bigger "part" in your engagement: finding out you were engaged before other people, having a more heart-felt moment when you asked her to be a bridesmaid, etc. She doesn't want to feel like just any other friend. She wants to be made to feel special.

    Also, maybe she's scared that with you getting married and living far from her, she's never going to see or hear from you after the wedding. She is retracting from the friendship before you have the chance to retract from the friendship. This isn't rational behavior, but it is a defense mechanism.

    And I'm guessing this isn't the first time you've experienced something like this with her. Does she get jealous when you spend more time with other friends than with her?

    If she is truly a good friend, another heart to heart should be attempted. Explain that you care greatly about her, but you just aren't the kind of person that is super sentimental about announcing engagements or asking bridesmaids (you seem quite laid back to me). Tell her she should know this about you as exemplified in non wedding behavior. Explain that you really want her in your life and at your wedding.

    If you guys can't work it out after talking, then move on.

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  6. Wow... very similar thing happened to myself. My best friend (who lives a 5 hour flight away, and who's seen my fiancé about 3 times in the 2 years we've been dating...) gave me the silent treatment for 3 months right after I got engaged. When we talked, said I shouldn't get married and that she "wasn't happy for us" (wow)... Similar to your friend who doesn't "condone" your marriage. I never expected that total lack of empathy from her. On that call I still asked her to be there, IF and only IF she felt happy for us.

    After we hung up I realized I didn't feel good about extending my invitation verbally... and a couple of days later, and knowing it's against political-correctness and etiquette, I wrote her an email saying that her negative feelings were not going to change, after 1 or 1 million calls. And that I did not want that type of feeling around me on the wedding day.

    It's your wedding, be happy and share it with people who love you and are happy for you. If you decide to, don't worry about uninviting: life's too short to be politically correct!!!

    Honestly, I feel great about that decision... I hope she contacts me to sort it out, she will if she cares. If it's the end of our BFF-ship, I'm Ok with it, too... during those 3 months I tried honestly, everything to get things back together for something that just didn't make sense. Some people cannot feel happiness for others.

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  7. And yes, it's quite possible you've outgrown eachother... which happens... but shouldn't happen in this shitty way.

    Do all you feel you must, then be wise enough to give up.

    Be happy :)

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  8. Bitches be CRAZY. Some girls can only be your friend when you are down in the dumps. Which means they are not really your friend. I say cut that shit loose!

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  9. the classic fiance vs. friend.

    but you're marrying the fiance. he wins.

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  10. Can "Bitches be CRAZY." be the subheader????

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  11. Wow. ESB. So glad this didn't go on your main page. That 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

    Wedding planning is stressful enough without hearing about one more crazy-ass bride's inability to maintain her friendships. Good grief.

    To the poster: Your friend texted you and sent you an e-card. You work in social media... This is as good as it gets.

    One of your phrases says it all 'My fiance is.... all about me.' I'm sure.
    Sounds like you and your former BFF deserve each-other.

    ESB... how do you do it? How do you read this crap constantly and stay so very cool. Geeze.

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  12. what wool and misc said. I'm so on board with this

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  13. Tacky Email QueenMarch 23, 2011 at 7:02 PM

    Thanks for all the great comments @Ms.Bunny, @CaseyFriday, & @Erin - yeah, yeah, I had sucked the wine bottle dry when I wrote this, so apologies for the lengthy drama & if some of this came off "braggy" -- just wanted to include all the dirty details to get an honest response. Bitches do be crazy, even those that we've spent years of our lives with. @Ms.Bunny - you are so dead on! Not sure where things will end up, but Hells Bells -- I know I never plan to be the rain on anyone's wedding parade, whether I'm on board or not. That's what divorce is for! duh

    And seriously, "Anonymous" - sorry you don't want to read another "crazy ass bride's inability to maintain her friendships" post under the "My MOH is a Cunt" section. See the barrette feature on the main page.

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  14. oh my gosh this sounds so similar to what i went through. my roommate and best friend of 16 years. totally freaked when my husband and i got engaged. for the first couple of weeks she was excited but, then she got really critical of everything i thought or felt or had an opinion on. she told me she hated my fiance and didn't understand why i was "doing this to her." while we were growing up getting married was always really important to her and she was always saying this guy is the one i'm going to marry blah blah blah. i couldn't care less about the whole thing till i met my husband. anyway whole thing ended in a screaming matching with her slapping me and me busting her lip open. we haven't spoken since and needless to say she did not come to our wedding.

    i'd say don't let it get to that and just cut her loose.

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  15. When I read this, I picked up that she didn't like being emailed big news or to feel like she heard it last. So she probably hasn't apologized bc she wants to do it on the phone, not over email or text.
    I guess since you aren't really spkg hat she is no longer your MOH, but you could still call her, give her a chance to apologize, and if you want to continue the relationship, invite her to wedding. Even if she doesn't attend, that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be friends (maybe she is really really financially strapped and this just made her snap?)
    I'm not really taking your side or hers, but I really think it sounds like she was reaching out to apologize, but she can't if you don't call her. Good luck!

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  16. Good grief! So she's supposedly your BFF but finds out about your engagement via Facebook and gets a mass email about being a bridesmaid? I'd be pissed, too.

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  17. @ Tacky email queen. Zing. You're right. Totally my fault for clicking on this. No need for me to be catty about your problems when I could be looking at pretty accessories.

    (Not that you care for dissent anyways... just the resounding approval of total strangers, and for ESB to validate your point of view.)

    I don't know why I spend my time like this. Who is tackier... the person who rants to strangers on the internet about their own internet faux-pas, or the person who complains about it in the comments section? "This is pretty typical behavior for people nowadays"... doesn't mean it's a good thing.

    You know, I really hope you sort things out with your friend.
    Sorry for being a cow. I've got to stop spending my time on stuff like this.

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  18. Announcing your engagement on facebook is tacky. Stop using the lame ass excuse that "everyone does it now a days"... it's lame, it's tacky and you could have waited. You didn't need to jump on facebook ASAP to make it official.

    If it is so special to have her spend money she doesn't really have (which you know), then it should have been special enough to wait and talk to her about before everyone on the internet knew. And really?? You send out an email about the finances of being a bridesmaid to your BFF... that's impersonal and again... tacky. If she is SO important why wouldn't you make a point to pay for her dress or her flight or offer assistance because it means more for you to have her there. (especially considering you say that you have the means to do it)

    Yeah maybe you guys outgrew each other when you became a selfish beyotch and didn't consider your "BFF's" feelings...

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  19. Well. Neither of you have exactly covered yourselves in glory have you?

    She obviously thinks you no longer give a shit about her and you're not as close as she thought you were. I mean, obviously you're too important and busy and successful and in love to give her a phone call whereas she is poor and pathetic and *thats* the root of the problem... but ignoring her valentine's message was shitty. She is hurt. Be a big girl and try to play nice, no?

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  20. ok, so maybe she's being emotionally weird and dramatic... but, did you really announce your engagement on FACEBOOK?! and then, send out an EMAIL asking your friends to be bridesmaids? shame, shame, shame...

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  21. @ Elle, Anonymous and Celia:

    Yeah. Exactly. Nicely said. Are you still listening TACKY??

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  22. ESB, this is a stroke of brilliance.

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  23. I'm not going to knock you for posting on facebook.
    I won't even for asking people to be your bridesmaids in an email.

    But did it ever cross your mind to send her an email as you were changing your relationship status that said "OMG I'M ENGAGED! I don't have cell service but I'll call you as soon as I get back in range!" or ANYTHING like that? Since you had time to update facebook, I kind of think that maybe you didn't want to tell her in the first place.

    With that said, you both need to be adults. You said you "hashed it out" but apparently there are still loose ends. Call her or visit her and talk it out. If she still says "she can't condone your marriage" then that's not someone you need around. (Because seriously? If he's not beating you or abusing drugs or running around on you that's a horrible thing to say to a "friend.")

    And yes, I said "knock" and "OMG" Tacky sounds like an "OMG" user.

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  24. Wow this is better than any soap! It's addictive, can't stop reading and commenting!

    I got married in august, my friend marries Thursday another next month, all of us, a month before the wedding proclaimed 'I just want it over now, bring on the honeymoon'

    People are twats and we will let someone down when they need us, and we are also extra sensitive at milestone events in our lives.

    Cut the wheat from the chaff and really don't dwell on it or them. Look forward to being married!!

    Fuck the fuckers, the rest of the wedding party will celebrate for you! Be happy xxx. Now I really must stop reading and get out of bed!!

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  25. This is tough, but you might need to ovary up and apologize. I understand not getting the notice to your pal right away (things happen - I didn't find out one of my friend was getting married for two weeks because we played phone tag and she wasn't about to be like "OMG ENGAGED!!" over email or through voicemail). I even understand the Facebook relationship-status change before you can send out the news.

    But the "everyone uses social media" excuse is a pretty weak one, and each bridesmaid should have gotten her very own email, not some CC'ed nonsense. So you gotta say, "Hey miss lady, I'm sorry I handled that badly. I would be honoured to include you in the wedding, as a bridesmaid." Let her say no/I can't afford it/it's too far/whatever.

    HOWEVER. This only extends to the apology. If she can't accept it and move on, and learn how to accept you and your betrothed as a couple, and y'all aren't playing nice, then you absolutely get to say, "Hey, I've done my time and you're not pulling through. I need the support and love of the people who are coming to our wedding, and you don't seem to be able to do that."

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  26. @kaitlyn "ovary up" is the best phrase i have heard in months.

    @tacky be the bigger person, and show her that she matters to you if she really does.

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  27. I'm with the Anonymouses before me. The fact that you spend a lot of your query detailing how much "better" you're doing than your so-called BFF kind of illustrates why she's not too thrilled with you.

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  28. late commenting might not help but...

    I think that KK knocked it out of the park on this one. And the prior user who mentioned that your friend saying she doesn't "condone" your marriage seems really shitty is correct, as well.

    It's not law that you have to unfriend anyone who announces their engagement on facebook. I had a local BFF who got engaged and posted it on facebook, but I didn't even read about it that way - I read about it AT WORK after an EX-BOYFRIEND e-mailed the news! She's eloping, so there's no bridesmaid issue. I still laugh about this method of revelation with her, but I took her to the bridal shop where she ended up buying her dress, have gone with her to all of her fittings, am helping to plan her bachelorette party, am making penis cake pops for said party, and she'll be a bridesmaid in my wedding in November. Social media faux pas be damned.

    Back to the issue at hand, I say try to make up. The last move made was to try to apologize to you, and so now the ball is in your court. Shoot for a make-up, and if it doesn't work, you'll at least know you tried. I am never a fan of walk it out before talking it out.

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  29. Tacky Email QueenApril 30, 2011 at 1:19 PM

    Thank heavens ESB and this side project exists!! All the for-me and against-me comments really have me made me look at this issue from multiple angles. yes yes, i admit that I still haven't contacted her and she's only contacted me once since the valentine's day ecard. She forwarded an adage article to me on social media. Go figure. Our mutual friend told me she's been telling her she's been calling me everyday, which just ain't the truth. Our mutual friend says she's a little wacky/crazy and I should just call her & patch things up. The thing is, I know she'll never apologize or see anything wrong in what she said, even if I was a shitty friend & bride-to-be. She's just not the type to. It's like she honestly believes she has been calling/emailing me everyday since the fight - delusional. Oddly enough, the men I talk with all think I should write her off 100%. Weird how girls tolerate bad behavior or are more forgiving or something...maybe we just now how "we're wired." Anyway, i think i should try calling her and just see where things go. I don't ever think we'll be tight again, sadly. Thanks again, everyone.

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  30. TEQ-

    Is is possible you didn't tell her right when you got engaged because you were afraid she wouldn't be as excited as you wanted her to be? Maybe you wanted a few congrats from people on FB before you braved her reaction?

    If so, that may be your answer right there about your friendship.

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  31. To me there are two separate issues here. #1 is that when you communicated your engagement to her via mass Facebook posts and emails, she felt like you weren't as close as she thought you were and that hurt. People have different ways of communicating and I'm a big email person myself but this is one of the biggest moments in your life-- to not reach out to your best friend directly was clearly a mistake and I think you can own that. But the bigger problem to me is #2, that she said she doesn't condone your marriage. Maybe that's just something stupid she said in a moment of anger and hurt feelings, but you need to call her and find out. If she doesn't support your marriage, you certainly don't need to invite her to your wedding.

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