Am I allowed to demote my MOH?

Hi, hello, how are ya. My wedding is in May. My MOH is sick (had to move in with her parents for care, walking and dancing at a minimum). My MOH also recently got engaged to someone she was dating for 3 months and totally forgot that I'm getting married (a year before her) (to my love-of-my-life-of-8-years) and oh yeah, she's agreed to be my MOH. Anytime I talk wedding, it's immediately turned to her - her sickness or her wedding. All of her other friends have given up on her, and she consistently tells me how grateful she is that I'm there for her. But, like, she can't do shit for my wedding. She didn't even know what weekend I said (1000 times) worked for my shower/bach party (lotta out of town girls) and it's MY BIRTHDAY. I'm just thinking, ok, you're dealing with a lot. But at least pretend to care about me. 

I asked her because I didn't want to burden my little sister who is young and broke, and my friend seemed really enthused to be a part of the wedding. I feel like the only reason she said yes was to be like "look at what a great friend I am!!!" But if she's going to suck so bad, I'd rather have my sister standing next to me. I'm going to spend holidays with my sister forever, she'll be the aunt to my future babies, etc (I KNOW I should have just picked her, but I wanted stress at a minimum, and like I said, I didn't want to burden my sister.)

She also compares/competes now - telling me how much her ring cost, telling me how much her florist is, etc. and then asking me about mine. She is also stealing just about every idea I have and then executing it more and better and grander. She has a bit of a Kim Kardashian attitude where she brags about things she didn't exactly accomplish. When I confronted her about how much all this bothered me, she said "I thought that being engaged together was something fun we could do together!!" and then basically stopped talking to me (including getting back to me on real wedding plans like - do you want your hair did bc I'm making appointments). 1. I'm going through this engagement with my FH, not a girlfriend, and 2. What the what?!

She's been out of commish from the real world for about a year and a half now; she does not do normal human people tasks like working, doing laundry, etc. Her mom does all that. I know that with her illness and her life situation, I am not a priority, and I'd really just like to demote her to regular bridesmaid and promote my sister. Is this crazy talk? I feel like this way, she can focus her herself and I can actually have a nice shower/wedding/etc without worrying if my MOH is neglecting me or trying to one-up. She won't take this news well, but at this point, am I totally evil if I don't care?

On top of all this, my FIL is sick, money is tight (we're paying for the wedding, but out parents keep adding expenses that we Have To Have.... do we get a honeymoon, I dunno), and I started working a high-stress job. I feel like I need to remove any excess stress. 

-Homegirl is making me turn into a Bridezilla, gross


  1. It sounds like you still want this girl in your wedding, so why not either:

    (a) make your sister co-maid of honor

    or (b) keep the positions the same but transfer all the responsibilities to your sister.

    Either way, it seems like it should be way easy to tell your sick, busy friend that you are just trying to make her life easier by getting your sister to do the grunt work.

    Also, whatever expenses your parents are trying to foist on you, I would think seriously about. I certainly added some small expenditures to my wedding to make my MIL happy, but if she'd wanted me to spend thousands on something I didn't care about? No way, no how.

  2. If she's not doing shit/oblivious anyway, maybe she'd appreciate a demotion? If she doesn't work it doesn't seem like it's any less of a burden for her than your sister, financially. At least your sister would (hopefully) put some heart into it.

    Also, have you considered that maybe she's trying to one-up because you seem to hold your 8 year relationship in higher regard than her 3 month one? Not saying that you SHOULDN'T, but since you felt it necessary to mention here, I wonder if there's some kind of vibe she gets from you that you think of her relationship as "less serious"?

  3. She is not making you into anything, you are acting like a Bridezilla. She is seriously ill, not lazypants. Your first mistake was choosing a MOH based on what they could do for you, not based on your relationship with them.

    I agree with everyone else that a co-MOH situation is the best option at this point.

  4. "Demote?" You do realize this is an unpaid position don't you? She's a homebound invalid for goodness sake. Calm down.

  5. "Is this crazy talk?" YES. This is crazy talk, honey.

    My sister was my MOH, and she didn't plan a thing. I did everything. Being a MOH is an honor - not a job. That being said, she did step up on the day of the wedding and was super helpful and supportive.

    Don't expect the royal treatment. Be kind to your family, friends, bridal party, groom party, etc. These are special people to you - on your wedding day and every day. BREATHE. RELAX. Shit will get done.

    Also: With your MOH's illness and your FIL being sick, I hope you realize how precious life is, and, at the end of the day, it's about the experience, not about the wedding decor, flowers, hair-do, etc. You and your fiance could scale way back, opting for an intimate ceremony. You could spend the rest of the money on a badass honeymoon and avoid the wedding planning stress altogether! Just an idea.

  6. Ditto everyone else. Why do brides think MOH= person who will do the most bitch work? You and your fiance should be planning this wedding, and your bridal party should be supporting you emotionally. If they offer to plan a shower or help with other tasks that is just icing on the cake.

  7. I feel like some people are being harsh on this girl. I don't think she's looking for her MOH to do tons of "bitch work." Brides are told "OMGZ you can't plan your own shower/bachelorette!! It's selfish money grabbing GAAHH!!" So, yeah, there are a couple of things you NEED your MOH to do. I know someone else could throw a shower (tradition round my part is mom throws the shower) but really, planning the bachelorette is something you need your MOH for. And it doesn't require a lot of money. My MOH sent invites via email, got everyone together at my fav bar, and bought me a beer. Did it require time to put together? Yes. But it sounds like the writer's MOH has nothing but time and still hasn't done shit. If MOH has the ability/energy to plan her own wedding she's not on her deathbed and too sick to plan a bachelorette. I think she needs to sit this girl down and hash it out. If it's a good strong friendship, they'll talk it out and come to a solution together. If not, well, the friendship will end and someone she has a more meaningful relationship with can step up.

  8. I love the tags on this page. Co-Maid of Honor. Girls are insane.

  9. Anonymous, yup. Mine asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted to drink tequila at my fave Mexican restaurant. We picked a date, she sent out evites, and done. (She also did a few other small things which was awesome but not expected - I just wanted her to BE THERE.)

    I think this is sounding worse than it actually is. It's really heartbreaking when a good friend who you think will be there for you when it counts lets you down, and harder when people sh*t all over you because that makes you sad.

    I agree with B's advice above - I think that's the best solution.

    Also, on the parents thing - "You know, it would be really nice to have xyz but we're on a very tight budget and it is not something we can afford" or something like that. If it means that much to your parents, then they'll pay for it. (Be sure not to let that happen too much, though - don't let them hijack your wedding with money. But if it's "BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON'T HAVE A WEDDING VIDEO!?" or something like that, yeah, let them pay for it if it means so much to them.)

  10. I don't care about traditional MOH/bridesmaid roles. I didn't even know I needed a shower. I just felt like, if these girls sign up to be a part of this experience, let them do what they want. They wanted to do the hole traditional shower/bach party deal. I just went along with that part until it was causing more drama than no shower.

    And here's the kicker - she isn't that sick. When she was healthy, she would have her mom call in sick for work for her because she was hungover. She's been using the illness as a reason to be a piece of shit. She smokes cigarettes and has respiratory issues. She drinks while on antibiotics. She isn't on her deathbed, and she also isn't doing anything to better her own situation. She constantly complains about gaining weight, while laying on her mom's couch all day eating junk. She has no goals other than to out-do people and brag about how much money she has/spends.

    I just found out the first thing she did after she got engaged was NOT to tell everyone how excited she was, but to tell everyone that her ring was bigger than mine. To the same girl she told me "doesn't even care about my wedding, she just wants to be in SOMEONE'S wedding."

    Not only did I demote her, I'm in the process of pretty much cutting her out of my life all together. Life is short. Life is hard enough as it is, but it's so good! why mess it up with drama and petty bullshit.

    Call me a bitch or whatever, but the only super-stressful detail about getting married has been this girl. Everything else is awesome. My FH is the bomb dot com. All my other bridesmaids are the bees knees. My family is supportive. His family is supportive.

    This girl can have her $40k ring. I'll just have everything else. Thanks for all the input, bitches.


    1. bridezilla... you go girl ~ to all you other women that say that MOH dont have to do anything, thats a lie. She needs to be there for you and help you have a great experience. Sure the bride can plan everything but your MOH should be there for you when you need someone to help you pick out a dress, or to fill the little jars with candy for favors and whatever else is trivial and easy. All a MOH needs to do is be there for the bridee and help her with what she needs not make the experience more stressfull. So if you pick someone to stand next to you just because then who cares who you pick right?