decline a bridesmaid

dear esb:

i am writing you, cause i love your honest and realistic advice, and because i need a third party's opinion.

one of my oldest friends is getting married in april.  from high school to about last april, we were best friends. the type of best friends that we joked about how if we were single-old-maids, we'd live together with dogs. but last year when i dated a guy, she was not supportive about it and was quite vocal about her dislike [not to me, but to other people].  basically, we've drifted apart, and i would no longer consider her my best friend. however [and possibly unfortunately], we're roommates until i graduate in april.  

she started dating a guy she has been close to for over a year now, and they just got engaged. i am happy for them, because they are in love and happy, but when she asked me to be her bridesmaid, i realized i wasn't that happy for them. i don't really want to be in her wedding party, and i don't know if i want to be forced into spending more time with them then i have to.  

they as a couple are obnoxious, in-your-face and inconsiderate.  here are a few examples: 

- her fiance kisses her while he is in the middle of a conversations with me.  i hate pda more than imaginable, and i brought that up.  i talked to them, and told them that pda makes me uncomfortable.  their response, "Leslie, when you're in love, you'll understand." i could've strangled someone.

- they are always in our apartment. always.  if they have a free time, they are together, and 98% of the time, it's at our apt. even, if i am out in the living room watching TV.  i have had a volume battle with them on multiple times.  [keep in mind that he lives in an apartment complex literally 30 secs away].  it might not sound obnoxious, but over five months, it's getting really, really obnoxious.

is it reasonable for me to decline her offer and if so, how do i phrase it?

a very disgruntled roommate.


  1. I would blame it on money issues. She strikes me as the type of girl who would be offended if you gave any kind of personal reason (and since you have to live with her, it's probably better for your sanity to at least keep up a pretense of good terms), so just blame it on something entirely UNpersonal. Say this:

    "I'm so honored that you value me enough to ask me to be a bridesmaid, but I'm afraid I just can't swing it. My finances are super tight with paying off school and other bills, but I will definitely be there to support you as a guest."

    Of course, if you go with that, then you can't make any major purchases that she'll find out about until after the wedding. Unless you're cool with her talking shit about you after you do.

    Good luck!

  2. So... he's invaded your space (and nicked your bestie)? If it's at all possible that they don't understand how annoying you find their behaviour, and she has asked you because she's distracted by the new love but still loves you too, I'm not sure you should hammer the last nail in the coffin of your relationship just yet.

    How about a test: invite her for a girls night out. See if you still like her. Say "wow, this was great. I love your fiance to bits, but I really miss just us time and having the apartment to ourselves sometimes, you know?"

    Trust me, the older you get the more your oldest friendships mean to you, you shouldn't chuck them down the toilet unless you have a REALLY good reason. And too many PDAs and volume wars, annoying though they are at the time, aren't it.

  3. Channel Nancy Reagan; just say no.

  4. I have lived with good friends who, once they were my roommate, quickly wanted to murder and thoughtthefriendship was obviously destroyed. But amazing things can happen when you are no longer someone's roommate; it's a simple solution to a lot of problems.

    So with that in mind, I would say yes, suck it up.. April is not that far away.

  5. grow up. be happy for your friend and find your own boyfriend and/or go to therapy about the jerk you dated before. If pda and petty stuff is that horrible I can't imagine real stress/problems for you.

  6. Do you really want to spend that much time and money on someone you already know you dislike just to be polite?

    Burn that bridge. They both sound like total idiots.

  7. The last thing you or her would ever want for eachother is a feeling of resentment.. Be as honest as you can to yourself and her.

    I've been the bride at the end of a friendship of my bridesmaid who resented me, it was very painful and we are no longer friends.

    There is no harm in setting boundaries in a healthy relationship with a friend, and I'm sure if you express yourself truthfully then you both will cconnect again. Just remember people are not mind readers, and resentment is dangerous.

    If I were you, I would say... If you truely love her, be selfless and carry on. But if she's not a true love in your life, be honest with her.

    Best wishes for you all <3

  8. You sound like a juvenile brat and that your disgruntled attitude comes from being jealous not that they are being all that inconsiderate.

    Let's hope she rescinds her offer because you are a pain in the ass.

  9. you sound annoying and also jealous of the fact that your friend is getting married and is in love while you dated a jerk. stop having passive aggressive volume wars and get over the fact that they share a kiss while also talking to you.

  10. Let's consider that this post is HERE and not the esb main page. You're being a short-sighted bitch who can't see past her lease. Volume wars? Seriously?

    "I don't want to do my oldest friend a huge honor by standing up for her at her wedding because in spite of the fact that I will not have to deal with them in 5 months, I don't like her living quirks. Friendship Over."

  11. i think people are being kind of harsh here. everyone seems to be jumping down your throat and accusing you of being jealous and juvenile, disgruntled roommate, but i think you're just being real about how you feel.

    i think april is close enough that you can suck it up and that if you say no it will definitely make things more strained. in the meantime, go hang out with your other friends, get out of the apartment when you can, be as honest with your roommate as you can, and focus on your last semester at school :) you should be studying too much to worry about your silly roommate anyway, can't you go to the library?

    i know it's hard to be happy for someone especially when they were vocal to others about not liking someone you loved, but i would suggest to take the high road and let bygones be bygones.

  12. I just went through almost this exact same situation. My roommate and her fiancé drove me crazy as a couple, totally encroached on my space, and I felt myself further and further distanced from her. She asked me to be her maid of honor, and at the time, it felt fake and forced. I agreed, because we were once wonderfully close friends, and I didn't want to toss out our history. She started to realize that things weren't great between us, and she took steps to patch things up and spend more one-on-one time with me. We didn't magically become besties once more, but like another commenter said, relationships between roommates become a lot less tense when you're no longer living together. Now that we haven't been seeing each other daily (or even monthly), we're starting to have a solid friendship again. I know that I won't look back on those wedding photos and feel like I shouldn't have been the one holding her train that day.

    So, if this girl was truly a great friend to you in the past, I think you should accept the MOH position. But take those steps to work on fixing your friendship now.