Dear ESB,
I am in the midst of a full-on clusterf*ck rage, but have calmed down just enough to type out this request for help (or at least a new perspective).
I recently got married, and my wedding was wonderful, everything a girl (or guy) could hope for, right down to the expensive designer dress I wore. However, because we (hubs and I) are on a budget, I decided to sell my dress afterwards to recoup some costs. I was so careful about wearing the dress I even had a second (cheapie) dress to wear during the dance! As I was being whisked away on my honeymoon directly after the wedding, I asked my oldest friend and MOH to do the honours of having the dress cleaned at a reputable cleaners and sending it on to the buyer (I'd already sold the dress). I gave MOH a blank cheque and told her it was incredibly important that this dress be in pristine condition for the next bride. She later told me that she got a great deal by taking the dress to her boyfriend's Dad's business and that his mom did some "minor" repairs. I wasn't thrilled to hear that she didn't take the dress to either of the businesses I had recommended, but figured she was working in my best interests. The last time I saw the dress it had a few minor tears in the tulle, but was otherwise fine.
Fast forward to now; I had a dispute with the bride who bought the dress because she said it was in incredibly poor condition; everything from giant tears to colour fade to (gasp) entire elements of the dress missing. I didn't argue with her much when I saw some pictures, but still figured she was exaggerating. I offered the bride a full refund and sat back and waited for my dress with a sinking feeling in my stomach...for very good reason. I got the dress back just hours ago and barely recognize it. The damage is extensive, and someone has definitely taken shears/amature skills to it in an attempt to hide the damage. Basically, my MOH's boyfriend's parents ruined my dress, and now I don't know if I will be able to sell it at all. But worse than that, my MOH must have realized that the dress was damaged and not told me. She was the one who packed it for shipping, so she would have seen what condition it was in after cleaning (she also bustled it at the wedding, so she, more than anyone, knows what it is supposed to look like!). I am convinced she knew, and just thought I would never find out. I have not yet spoken with her, but that is only because a) I'm so upset and b) I have no idea what to say.
So, my question, ESB, is what would you do if your oldest friend and MOH purposely lied to you? I don't want to be the kind of idiot who ruins a friendship over a dress...but she lied to me. Am I overreacting?
Sincerely,
Ripped Apart
Eek. I would call her and tell her the simple facts, with as little clusterf*ck rage as possible. Wait a day or two if you need to/can with out spontaneously combusting. Hopefully she'll fess up, apologize, an offer to repay you the difference of what you end up selling the dress for. Otherwise you could try to take it up with the folks who ruined it.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why, but the fact that she took it to her boyfriend's parent's business would piss me off the most. Like she's more interested in giving them the business than doing good on her best friend.
I would not first assume my MOH "purposely lied" to me and the fact "Ripped Apart" does makes me suspect there is far more background to this story.
ReplyDeleteI would, instead, ask MOH to come check out the dress and ensure that it was in the same condition she remembers sending it off in. And even if it was, perhaps that is her definition of "minor repairs" or there is some explanation for what happened. If it seems MOH was trying to conceal the fact that the dress was ruined in her care, I would just ask her why. There are many possible reasons- fear of Ripped Apart, fear of being held financially responsible, etc.
Lastly, if you needed your dress to be so pristine, you should have taken care of it yourself after your honeymoon.
wait....the rage can continue after the wedding day??
ReplyDeleteim DOOMED
You had a plan. You and your MOH agreed on a way to carry it out and your end of it went as planned. Assuming her decision to take it to her boyfriend's parents' business instead of the one you suggested was made with the best intentions (whether this is the case or is not the case I cannot say, but it's a separate issue) and assuming your memory of the condition of the dress when you left is accurate, the fault lies with her boyfriend's parents and it seems as though they owe you the amount you would have received from the bride who was to buy your dress. I assume they are professional tailors (right?) and they returned a garment to you in far worse condition than it was brought in. You have photos. They owe you the value of that garment at the time it was brought in, which is what the new bride would have paid. I'd talk to them directly if I were you.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible that somehow the dress became damaged after leaving the MOH's hands? How do you know the bride didn't change her mind and then damage the dress to get her money back?
ReplyDeleteIf not, I agree that the boyfriend's father's business should be held responsible financially.
Agreed with above poster that you should take it up with her bf's parents directly. Ask MOH if she has receipt for work and try to find pics from late in ceremony to compare to the buyer's pics. If no receipt, take copy of canceled check. I will resist chiding you for giving someone a blank check but you may have just learned an expensive lesson. If MOH asks if something's wrong when you ask for receipt you can be straight and as due to condition of dress you had to accept return. Don't rage on her. She will feel shitty when she finds out you got screwed bc she threw those folks some bones.
ReplyDeleteif this is your oldest friend, she can probably take a little "DUDE! WHAT THE HELL!?" from you without your friendship falling apart. sounds like she was trying to save you some money, but something shady happened and she shoved it in a box.
ReplyDelete(but also? your maid of honor should be off the hook as soon as the wedding is over)
I definitely do not agree that the fault needs to go to the bf's parents.
ReplyDeleteYou guys had an agreement. You gave her two options of places to go. She chose not to, and now the dress is ruined.
It's like having a friend of yours tell you that have a great family friend who is an amazing photographer, and then you get these super cheap, tacky shots of your wedding. It's not the photographer's fault--they're doing the best they can. Your pal was kinda totally trying to help you out, but she obviously wasn't very considerate about her decisions....or she would have at least talked to you about it, right?
She knows she's wrong. If you want to salvage the friendship, you talk to her, point blank. That's what friends do.
If she wants to salvage the friendship, she offers to pay for it, point blank. That's what friends do.
And you two can work it out from there.
Oh, I disagree completely that the MOH needs to offer to pay for this — she messed up big time, yes, but we're probably talking about hundreds if not thousands of dollars. Assuming this was an honest mistake, it seems cruel to me to ask the friend to pick up the cost.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you need to talk to your friend. Just call her up and say, "Look, this is hard for me to talk to you about, but... what happened?" I say assume innocence for now until you know more of the story.
Hmm, maybe the MOH took "shears/amateur skills to it" in order to *inflict* some damage in an attempt to send a message re: her feelings about being asked to do one more thing as the bride "was being whisked away on [her] honeymoon directly after the wedding."
ReplyDeleteWhoa, people...
ReplyDeleteI barely asked my MOH to do a single thing before the wedding because she lives in another city. She didn't even host my shower, nor did she plan my bachelorette. During our photos she went completely AWOL and one of my other maids had to step in and help me out (oh, did I mention that she was a total bitch to my other two girls? Yeah, not so nice).
As for the dress, I asked her well ahead of the wedding if this was huge errand was OK with her (I realize she has a job and a life!), if not I would take the dress to the cleaners when I got back (which in retrospect, I realize I should have done).
Oh, for further clarification the damages in this case run well into the thousands of dollars. But really, this isn't about money. This is about lying.
Ripped Apart
Speaking of lying - this is totally about the money.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWow, snipey snipey. If the MOH agreed to do it (and not even notedly passively-aggressively agreed to do it), she should have done it.
ReplyDeleteAnd even if it is about the money? It's a lot of money. Being out that much money and being lied to sucks, especially by your best friend.
Dude, just show her and her BF's mom the dress, ask them wtf happened. If it's not about the money, tell them that and maybe you'll get an honest answer. Be an adult since your MoH isn't given your updated comment, Ripped Apart.
ReplyDeleteI'd even add in that you want to know because you want to contact the woman who purchased it from you because the dress /obviously/ wasn't sent in that condition. If they swear that it was sent in the condition you left it in, well, I'd say rip apart the person who bought the dress.
Either that or call Judge Judy on all their asses. Maybe.
Wow, this sucks. I hate to break it to you, but you FUCKED UP by asking your maid of honor to do such a tremendous "favor". This is not a normal maid of honor task, like planning a bachelorette party or "hey can you make sure all the tables have the right number of arrangements on them". This is the equivalent of saying to her : "please walk this briefcase full of cash to the bank while i go on vacation" or "please go parallel park my Maserati for me -- don't chip the paint".
ReplyDeleteI hate to be a cunt, but YOU should have taken care of this PROPERLY. That includes taking it to a reputable cleaners, photographing it, packing it yourself, and getting it insured before mailing it.
If I were you, I would share some choice words for my friend and then MOVE ON. You can't unring this bell. Live and learn.
What 17 beats said.
ReplyDeletehmmm, this is a tough one. Obviously it's easy to look at things in retrospect so i'm sure you're kicking yourself wishing you had just taken it to the drycleaners when you got back.
ReplyDeletethat didn't happen so all you can do is talk to your MOH and ask her what on earth happened. somewhere between you giving her the dress and it being sent to the buyer, damage was done.
the reality is, you might not get any money back (you probably need to prepare yourself for that situation) but at least you'll know what happened and get some answers from people.
you at least deserve that.
Really 17 Beats? I fucked up by TRUSTING my childhood best friend? I'm not here asking how to "get my money back." I'm asking for help with a difficult and touchy situation. I am not a cunt, you don't know me. People who are so full of hate should stay off of "advice" forums. Ditto to those of you who called me a liar. I can easily make the money to cover my debts. I can't so easily deal with someone who has broken my trust.
ReplyDeleteR.A.
R.A.
17 beats is just giving it to you straight. Also, if you read her post carefully, she did not call you a cunt in any sense of the word. She simply said a maid of honor should not have been entrusted with a task that big. I agree...express your disappointment to your friend and then let her off the hook for good.
ReplyDeleteAnd you should not ASK for advice on an advice forum if you can't handle some straightforward advice.
ReplyDeleteYour responses are leading me to believe the MOH did this on purpose with good reason.
Is it not generally accepted that purposefully damaging someone else's property to inflict pain or revenge is borderline pathological?
ReplyDeleteIf it is, can we also surmise that one would need to be TOTLLY FUCKING BATSHIT to purposefully ruin a girlfriend's wedding dress?
This makes me greatly question anyone's sanity if she is suggesting the dress sabotage was intentional, or reasonable. Come the fuck on.
Okay, I think we can all agree that hindsight is 20/20. And from your description of your MOH, maybe she's a bit of a flake/sometimes pain in the ass, but I really don't think anyone would intentionally sabotage a dress. My guess is that perhaps she was trying to save you a couple of bucks after you threw a wedding, and then it completely blew up in her face. And yours, much after the fact.
ReplyDeleteMaybe in a few days, say you want to see her to sit down and talk about the whole dress thing, and (level-headedly) explain how you feel like you lost some trust in her because she didn't follow your exact instructions and perhaps covered it up to save her ass. Don't try to recoup the funds or even make it about money, just say that it made you look bad to the person you sold the dress to, and that you want an apology and an explanation. Hash it out, and then move on. If you've been best friends since childhood, a dress (albeit a very expensive one) shouldn't ruin that.
It's going to be awkward and shitty for both of you, but I think just lay it out honestly. And try to stay calm during it. Not that I think you'd fly off the handle, but knowing myself I think I'd lose it about 20 minutes in. And if you're calm and collected, explaining how much her going behind your back about this whole thing hurt you deeply as a friend (and not a MOH, since the wedding is over... this is just on a friend level). But in the end, say you don't want this to be the end of a long friendship. Just that in order to continue being friends, you two need to discuss this.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I hope any of this helps. I think personal honesty and keeping a calm demeanor are key to driving home the point.
I agree with the above. I have been an MOH in weddings where the dresses were fluffy things requiring bustling, and had I picked those dresses up post-cleaning and repair, I would have had no idea if there had been damage or not - those things have miles of fabric and so many layers!
ReplyDeleteAlso, maybe she wasn't even trying to make her BF's parents some money? This may just be a case of laziness, where leaving it with them seemed much easier than visiting a cleaner.
My point it: I would not assume she acted deceitfully, or with malice. It's likely that your dress just isn't the most important thing on her to-do list (of course).
Unfortunately, the lesson learned (as always) is that if you want something done right, do it yourself. Sorry, RA, it's a bummer.
I SAY BURN EVERYTHING.
ReplyDeleteAwesome, I am feeling much better about this whole thing today. To those of you who gave thoughtful, helpful advice and perspectives, THANK YOU. I needed a reminder that we should never assume malicious intent (indeed, always assume good intentions). I think I can now have a calm, non-accusatory talk with my MOH and get to the bottom of things (including some of the strains on our relationship that have emerged over the past few years). Once again, thanks to those of you who took the time to try to help!
ReplyDeleteRA
calm the f*ck down, and realize that you should never have sold the dress before your wedding. How could you have known the dress would have survived and in what condition to be sold? And why would you dump your chores on someone else?
ReplyDeleteI had plans to sell my dress after the wedding, but after all-night dancing, that dress was destroyed. Whatever, I spent the amount I was comfortable with on it and I danced the hell out of that dress.
yeah, you fucked up. if that language is too harsh for you, let me be more specific : you made an incredibly expensive mistake. i say this because i, too, have made similar mistakes (though not at this scale) and have learned that if *I* want something done right, *I* have to do it myself. truthfully, the only people i can think of that i would trust with a task such as this are 1) my husband and 2) my mother. notice my sister and friends did not make the cut.
ReplyDeleteand yeah, don't write in to an advice column that is notorious for being frank (often brutal) and expect people to respond with a pat on the shoulder and a "ooh, you poor thing."
It's pretty self-evident that trusting the MOH was a mistake. Doesn't actually get anyone anywhere though does it? At the end of the day *someone* completely ruined thousands of $ of dress, and it wasn't the bride. As the MOH ACCEPTED RESPONSABILITY for the task it is clearly, well, her responsability. Even if the buyer is a total psycho and ripped it apart (dubious) the MOH ought to have taken pictures of it just before sending.
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested to hear what she has to say for herself.
C
ESB this is hilarious.
ReplyDelete@littlewinter I am but a conduit.
ReplyDeleteThese comments are making my ears bleed. I think most of them exhibit an incredible amount of immaturity...
ReplyDeleteI think your maid of honor should have followed your instructions instead of taking the dress to her boyfriend's parents. Furthermore, you should have given more specific instructions.
Talk to her about it - if you don't feel like she is being truthful, cut your losses and address the BF's parents about the damage yourself.
-that bitch from Germany
People, people. Let's assume that the maid of honor is in fact a grown woman, and that she knows how to speak for herself. Yes?
ReplyDeleteIf this favor was too much for her to handle, or she was tired of doing stuff, she could have SAID NO. But...she didn't.
In any case, I think somebody needs to own up, and it ain't the bride (and usually I hate the brides so...ja). BF's parents and/or MOH need to own up to the bride. If this was me I'd also want monetary compensation from the cleaners, but that's just me being a broke-ass-ho who can't even afford rent this month.
wow 17 beats, wow. The bride trusted her MOH. This is not a crazy thing to do. I think a MOH can be entrusted with anything the bride wishes to ask of her if it is agreed. Does a MOH have to host any parties? No. Brides do things differently ALL the time. This is 80% the MOH's fault in my opinion. When you agree to something, follow through. 15% the bf's parents fault if they did something to it. 5% the bride for selling the dress after the day. There is a chance of error if the next bride actually did something to it. But before the dress was sent there should have been pictures taken to verify all that was wrong. Or the new bride should have been warned about the small bits of tulle that were torn.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with 17 beats. She's your MOH because she's your best friend. But, look, you know what you call the person you delegate a task to that has a of of financial risk behind it? EMPLOYEE.
ReplyDeleteShe's probably your best friend for a lot of reasons. Most likely not, "Takes instructions well."
Sorry for this unfortunate event. I would talk to the MOH, just to get some closure, I guess, but that's about all you can do. This is why I bought an off-the-rack ivory bridesmaids dress to wear as my wedding gown. It cost $200. Why do brides spend $$$$$ on a wedding gown?
ReplyDeleteJust sue. Anything over 2000.00 should have a contract written up
ReplyDeleteYou need legal advice. It might be worth an hour consultation with an attorney. If divorces require attorneys why aren't there attorneys for weddings.
ReplyDeleteAh, to live a life where getting a dress (albeit, a wedding dress) cleaned and shipped is an "extremely important task."
ReplyDeleteRipped Apart, you are right to be absolutely devastated. There's no point now telling you that you maybeprobablydefinitely should have waited until after your wedding to sell your dress. Your MOH did not ruin the dress herself (at least not directly) but she probably did lie, wanting to cover up for her boyfriend's family (if they are in fact responsible for ruining it). Understandable. Speak with her first, and then speak to the cleaners, with her in tow. Any reputable business, "family" or not, should be more than willing to right their wrongs.
And on another note, MOH "duties" may end at the stroke of midnight on the wedding day, but since when did it become absurd/ridiculous/inappropriate to ask your best friend to do you a "huge" favor so that you could enjoy your honeymoon (or any other vacation)?
Hmm, while MOH should have come clean and told you if she truly realized the dress was ruined. While MOH should have taken it to the places you mentioned. There is one thing that no one has said yet... although 17 beats come close. Oh yes and Nicole just above me said this too. You are about to throw away a friendship because you had to have dress you couldn't afford.
ReplyDeleteWHY WOULD YOU BUY A DRESS YOU CAN"T AFFORD?
Your problem not hers.
More vile poison to consider- I wonder if it's possible that the buyer made her own alterations after receiving the dress, fucked it up, and is attempting this scam since there's nothing left to lose.
ReplyDeleteUpdate here from "Ripped Apart"; I was finally able to sell my dress, but for half of what I should have gotten for it. Whatever (ps; I certainly could afford the dress, I just wanted to get money back from it to use on other things).
ReplyDeleteI am no longer friends with my MOH. I hemmed and hawed about it for a long time, and we exchanged some phone calls and emails (for the most part she was very defensive and hostile). Instead of coming forth and just admitting that shit happened, she decided to start flinging shit at me about how I didn't consider her feelings about the wedding and that I was mean to her blah, blah, blah. When my husband heard this he nearly hit the ceiling. He reminded me that this was complete bullshit, as if there was a single person whose feelings I contemplated more than my own, it was hers. I was very considerate about what her reaction to my engagement news would be, worrying I might hurt her feelings (she is in a relationship with a guy who, after eight years, still won't propose).I chose and paid for the bridesmaids dresses with her, her features and her lifestyle in mind. My family and friends were also very supportive of her (my mom helped her host the bridal shower, and my other bridesmaids planned the bachelorette). When she asked me what I wanted for a gift I told her not to give me anything, the greatest gift she could give was her time and presence (I know she's on a tight budget, and I did not want her spending any more money on me than she already had). Basically everything about my wedding was planned with her in mind. I did make one big mistake when my then-fiancee and I were in her city for a date weekend and didn't go visit her (gasp!) Apparently, it was rude of us not to invite her on our DATE. Anyway, I think you all get the picture.
SO...when she started flinging shit and saying I was inconsiderate of her, I knew it was time to hang it up. Without prompting, one by one my family and friends all told me that they felt her demeanour and speech at the wedding were very "odd" and that they had a feeling that she wasn't really happy for me. They urged me to really reconsider my relationship with this person. And so I did. I dumped her ass.
And...I've never felt more relieved in my life. I don't miss her. I no longer have to worry about hurting her feelings with my good news. All of my other friends are over the moon for me and my successes, just as I am for them. Just how it should be.
Lesson learned? If something feels wrong in your relationship, it probably is. In this case, the dress was just the catalyst, the last straw in an already toxic friendship. In a way, I'm glad the dress got ruined. It helped me see that something was wrong and get the guts to fix it.
Sounds like she tried the dress on, got drunk, ruined it and tried to hide the evidence....
ReplyDelete