Having Second Thoughts

I've been best friends with "T" for a few years now. We were both dating guys we knew we would eventually marry and promised each other we could be each other's maid of honors. She got engaged before I did and we immediately got my bridesmaids dress (translate: I can't back out of her wedding). Since her engagement she's been extremely hard to be around. Though she may have gotten a little more self-concerned since her engagement I think it's really me that's changed. I just don't enjoy her company like I used to. Fast forward to my engagement and I'm really having second thoughts about her being the maid of honor. My sister and I have grown closer and I'd really like for her to be the maid of honor instead of T. T's wedding is April 2011 and mine is March 2012. That's not really enough time for me to slowly "drop" her as a friend and still plan my wedding. I mean, she'll be expecting to help me.

I just don't know what to do! Should I tell her to F off or just suck it up?

My Bridesmaid's Gone Rogue

I have debated emailing you for awhile but have decided to.

Here is my story... fairly shortened.

I had a friend, well she was my best friend for about 6 years. I lived away at school & she lived here in my hometown (where I am getting married) and we talked everyday- she told me about her multiple secret lives (she is mormon but would do everything mormons weren't supposed to do) & I wouldn't judge her becuase she was my friend. I was a good friend, one of her best friends that she wouldn't have to untag in facebook pictures because her family may see them, I would come over and hang out with her family & was good friends with all of them- basically we were best friends. So naturally when I got engaged I asked her to be in my wedding.

I moved home in May of last year, saw her several times in the summer- which was odd but I wrote it off as us being busy. I saw her the first week of August and then didn't see her again till December at Christmas time- ya I know... so much for being best friends if we can't see each other for 4-5 months while living in the same town. This is when I started thinking hmmm... she isn't really my best friend anymore, won't really answer my phone calls & won't return them- can't make time for each other.

I put part of the blame on my shoulders... but its obvious we are not friends like we used to be. I thought maybe things will get better... I tried telling her that if things were too busy or since we can't make time for each other then maybe I should just have family in the wedding... she assured me that things would get better. Well they haven't and recently she we were supposed to take a trip to California and things didn't go as well as I had hoped... as well as it would have gone if we were best friends.

I guess after all this... my question is... we aren't friends like we used to be & I don't just want bridesmaids up there to stand with me- I want them to support my fiance & I's decision and be there for us- and I don't think she is that person to me anymore. It makes me sad and I have avoided telling her for sometime because I wish we were still friends and don't want to cut ties with her family but I am stuck. (Everyone else in the bridal party is basically telling me to kick her out) & I don't know how to tell her (I am not one to lie) or what to say- I would rather it be in person but by our track record I wouldn't see her till the wedding.

[My] Bridesmaid['s] gone rogue

Tacky Email Queen

Dear ESB,

Argh! I got engaged Dec 2nd when my now fiance swooped me off on a surprise weekend getaway to a B&B in the outskirts of Virginia. Since there was no cell reception, it was a painful task to even call my closest family members that night, which I barely managed. Since I still had wifi, later that night I updated my status on FB with a picture of the engagement ring & my changed relationship status. Tacky? Probably so, but I also work in social media and let's admit it, this is pretty typical behavior nowadays for a lot of people. 

Still, I got engaged on a Friday and didn't call my BFF who lives in Chicago (I live in DC) until the next Monday evening. She was never too keen on my fiance or any guy I dated for that matter, so it wasn't a surprise that she wasn't overly excited to hear the news. She seemed faking-it enthusiastic and distant when I mentioned that I didn't know if I was even going to have bridesmaids, but I knew I wanted her to be up there with me for sure on the big day.

Then I didn't hear from her for weeks. Very strange for us and then when I did a few times three weeks later, she never mentioned my engagement or anything relating to it. It was like she chose to ignore it was happening, but we had a close friendship, so I figured she needed time.

So I sent an email asking four girls to be my bridesmaids. I contemplated the best way to ask my friends, but they live in different cities, so I just thought fuck it, i'll send an email. Since I know my BFF is pretty broke (she's largely been supporting her boyfriend who kinda sponges of her), I put a disclaimer in there about how there were many honors in our wedding should a bridesmaid feel uncomfortable with the expenses and responsibilities associated with being in the bridal party. Everybody else responded enthusiastically right away but her. Radio silence.

But I knew she was coming out to DC for NYE, so I planned to talk with her then. She pretty much ignored my engagement ring albeit while complimenting me on my nail polish color (WTF) and didn't congratulate us at all when we went to lunch in DC. Ignored the whole thing until I brought it up and she was like, "Oh yeah--when's the date again?" Our fellow Chicago friend (and a bridesmaid) who was also visiting and staying with me that weekend even noticed how she was oddly ignoring the whole subject. 

So, we went out dancing that NYE night - the three girls and our boyfriends - and big drama ensued later when my other Chicago friend asked if my BFF was a bridesmaid when they were sharing a cab to another bar I was supposed to meet them at. She erupted and said she was hurt that I didn't call her first and she only heard about my engagement on FB and that being a bridesmaid is a lot of money and work...yada yada yada...

The next morning, hangovers and all, we hashed it out over the phone. Basically, she thinks my fiance and I should've sat her down and asked her in person to be a part of our wedding (nevermind the fact that I never see her since she lives in another city or that HELLO, I'm the one getting engaged!). I told her I could tell it was more that that since she had completely ignored the whole subject even before I asked her to be a bridesmaid and I had told her by the way that I wanted her to be one the Monday after I got engaged!! I told her it was pretty obvious she had a problem with my fiance since she had ignored the whole subject for weeks before I even sent the email. I said, "Look - all I really need to know is if you're going to be in the wedding party or not." She told me she couldn't condone my marriage and I said, "Fine. Then you'll get an invitation." She responded, "As long as it's not by email." at which point I hung up on her and haven't spoken to her since.

Since then she sent me one text message two weeks later asking if I could call her that night to talk and an ecard on Valentine's day saying she loves me and will always cherish the memories we've had together and despite what I might think, she only wants the best for me. 

Still sounded a little back handed to me, so I didn't respond.

My former BFF was always a little quirky, possessive, and competitive with me, but this has really made me reevaluate my entire relationship with her. My fiance is true blue, caring, loving, and all about me, so I just don't get it! I She's only met him two or three times in the two years we've been dating. I'm not sure if it's because since I moved from Chicago, I've advanced rapidly in a new career and landed a great guy (we're both financially stable, he owns a great apt, and we travel internationally together quite a bit) and like I said before, she's been struggling financially to support both her and head bf. Plus I think she's really wanting to settle down and start a family, two things that have never been high on my immediate priority list. But I feel like her issues with my wedding are just issues with herself, but she's not willing to admit it. I'm honestly too consumed with work, wedding planning, and all the rest to deal with her drama at the moment and not sure I want to invite it back into my life since it's been pretty smooth sailing since she's been absent. 

Is this shitty of me? Should I try and have a conversation with her or just write her off? She stil hasn't apologized and if I'm honest with myself, maybe we've out-grown each other? What should I do?!

Tacky Email Queen