Dear ESB,
Argh! I got engaged Dec 2nd when my now fiance swooped me off on a surprise weekend getaway to a B&B in the outskirts of Virginia. Since there was no cell reception, it was a painful task to even call my closest family members that night, which I barely managed. Since I still had wifi, later that night I updated my status on FB with a picture of the engagement ring & my changed relationship status. Tacky? Probably so, but I also work in social media and let's admit it, this is pretty typical behavior nowadays for a lot of people.
Still, I got engaged on a Friday and didn't call my BFF who lives in Chicago (I live in DC) until the next Monday evening. She was never too keen on my fiance or any guy I dated for that matter, so it wasn't a surprise that she wasn't overly excited to hear the news. She seemed faking-it enthusiastic and distant when I mentioned that I didn't know if I was even going to have bridesmaids, but I knew I wanted her to be up there with me for sure on the big day.
Then I didn't hear from her for weeks. Very strange for us and then when I did a few times three weeks later, she never mentioned my engagement or anything relating to it. It was like she chose to ignore it was happening, but we had a close friendship, so I figured she needed time.
So I sent an email asking four girls to be my bridesmaids. I contemplated the best way to ask my friends, but they live in different cities, so I just thought fuck it, i'll send an email. Since I know my BFF is pretty broke (she's largely been supporting her boyfriend who kinda sponges of her), I put a disclaimer in there about how there were many honors in our wedding should a bridesmaid feel uncomfortable with the expenses and responsibilities associated with being in the bridal party. Everybody else responded enthusiastically right away but her. Radio silence.
But I knew she was coming out to DC for NYE, so I planned to talk with her then. She pretty much ignored my engagement ring albeit while complimenting me on my nail polish color (WTF) and didn't congratulate us at all when we went to lunch in DC. Ignored the whole thing until I brought it up and she was like, "Oh yeah--when's the date again?" Our fellow Chicago friend (and a bridesmaid) who was also visiting and staying with me that weekend even noticed how she was oddly ignoring the whole subject.
So, we went out dancing that NYE night - the three girls and our boyfriends - and big drama ensued later when my other Chicago friend asked if my BFF was a bridesmaid when they were sharing a cab to another bar I was supposed to meet them at. She erupted and said she was hurt that I didn't call her first and she only heard about my engagement on FB and that being a bridesmaid is a lot of money and work...yada yada yada...
The next morning, hangovers and all, we hashed it out over the phone. Basically, she thinks my fiance and I should've sat her down and asked her in person to be a part of our wedding (nevermind the fact that I never see her since she lives in another city or that HELLO, I'm the one getting engaged!). I told her I could tell it was more that that since she had completely ignored the whole subject even before I asked her to be a bridesmaid and I had told her by the way that I wanted her to be one the Monday after I got engaged!! I told her it was pretty obvious she had a problem with my fiance since she had ignored the whole subject for weeks before I even sent the email. I said, "Look - all I really need to know is if you're going to be in the wedding party or not." She told me she couldn't condone my marriage and I said, "Fine. Then you'll get an invitation." She responded, "As long as it's not by email." at which point I hung up on her and haven't spoken to her since.
Since then she sent me one text message two weeks later asking if I could call her that night to talk and an ecard on Valentine's day saying she loves me and will always cherish the memories we've had together and despite what I might think, she only wants the best for me.
Still sounded a little back handed to me, so I didn't respond.
My former BFF was always a little quirky, possessive, and competitive with me, but this has really made me reevaluate my entire relationship with her. My fiance is true blue, caring, loving, and all about me, so I just don't get it! I She's only met him two or three times in the two years we've been dating. I'm not sure if it's because since I moved from Chicago, I've advanced rapidly in a new career and landed a great guy (we're both financially stable, he owns a great apt, and we travel internationally together quite a bit) and like I said before, she's been struggling financially to support both her and head bf. Plus I think she's really wanting to settle down and start a family, two things that have never been high on my immediate priority list. But I feel like her issues with my wedding are just issues with herself, but she's not willing to admit it. I'm honestly too consumed with work, wedding planning, and all the rest to deal with her drama at the moment and not sure I want to invite it back into my life since it's been pretty smooth sailing since she's been absent.
Is this shitty of me? Should I try and have a conversation with her or just write her off? She stil hasn't apologized and if I'm honest with myself, maybe we've out-grown each other? What should I do?!
Yours,
Tacky Email Queen
