Hi, hello, how are ya. My wedding is in May. My MOH is sick (had to move in with her parents for care, walking and dancing at a minimum). My MOH also recently got engaged to someone she was dating for 3 months and totally forgot that I'm getting married (a year before her) (to my love-of-my-life-of-8-years) and oh yeah, she's agreed to be my MOH. Anytime I talk wedding, it's immediately turned to her - her sickness or her wedding. All of her other friends have given up on her, and she consistently tells me how grateful she is that I'm there for her. But, like, she can't do shit for my wedding. She didn't even know what weekend I said (1000 times) worked for my shower/bach party (lotta out of town girls) and it's MY BIRTHDAY. I'm just thinking, ok, you're dealing with a lot. But at least pretend to care about me.
I asked her because I didn't want to burden my little sister who is young and broke, and my friend seemed really enthused to be a part of the wedding. I feel like the only reason she said yes was to be like "look at what a great friend I am!!!" But if she's going to suck so bad, I'd rather have my sister standing next to me. I'm going to spend holidays with my sister forever, she'll be the aunt to my future babies, etc (I KNOW I should have just picked her, but I wanted stress at a minimum, and like I said, I didn't want to burden my sister.)
She also compares/competes now - telling me how much her ring cost, telling me how much her florist is, etc. and then asking me about mine. She is also stealing just about every idea I have and then executing it more and better and grander. She has a bit of a Kim Kardashian attitude where she brags about things she didn't exactly accomplish. When I confronted her about how much all this bothered me, she said "I thought that being engaged together was something fun we could do together!!" and then basically stopped talking to me (including getting back to me on real wedding plans like - do you want your hair did bc I'm making appointments). 1. I'm going through this engagement with my FH, not a girlfriend, and 2. What the what?!
She's been out of commish from the real world for about a year and a half now; she does not do normal human people tasks like working, doing laundry, etc. Her mom does all that. I know that with her illness and her life situation, I am not a priority, and I'd really just like to demote her to regular bridesmaid and promote my sister. Is this crazy talk? I feel like this way, she can focus her herself and I can actually have a nice shower/wedding/etc without worrying if my MOH is neglecting me or trying to one-up. She won't take this news well, but at this point, am I totally evil if I don't care?
On top of all this, my FIL is sick, money is tight (we're paying for the wedding, but out parents keep adding expenses that we Have To Have.... do we get a honeymoon, I dunno), and I started working a high-stress job. I feel like I need to remove any excess stress.
-Homegirl is making me turn into a Bridezilla, gross
My Sister Won't Come to My Wedding
Dear ESB;
My sister and I have had a strained long distance relationship for many years. I moved to a city 20 hours away from my home town to attend university, and have been living here ever since. I come from a hugely dysfunctional family and since moving away I have made many wonderful friends and met my amazing fiancee. I don't have a lot of contact with my family but I love them and miss them and want them to be a part of my wedding.
My fiancee asked me to marry him more than three years ago and we did not start to plan the wedding until recently. At the time my fiancee first asked me, I told my sister that she could be the MOH. I figured that even though we are not close and she has never been my biggest cheerleader, it was the thing to do. When I began planning the wedding my sister didn't really want to discuss it (I feel that she is probably very jealous) and it became increasingly difficult to feel good about the event with no support system near by or over the phone. She was so negative and nonsupporting of any of the choices I was making, and acting almost as if I was obligated to cater to her opinions and not my own.
I had no idea how hard it would be to plan a wedding without my family close to me. Going to dress shops alone and seeing the pity on the salespeople's faces when I said, no, my mother will not be by to see the dress. My FI and I decided fairly early on that we were not going to have a traditional wedding party, as I hate the matching dresses stuff and we didn't want to single any friend or family member out as being more important to us than another. We decided that it would just be a MOH and a BM, as we needed them to sign the paperwork. Throughout the preliminary planning stages my best friend stepped up to do all the bitch work with me with a positive attitude, enthousiasm and support. I decided that I wanted her to be the MOH because she is physically and emotionally here for me, and she is so excited. This decision was not a slight at my sister, but the best choice for me and my wedding. After all, there is no MOH internship, and I can't expect my friend to do all the work without giving her the honour.
My sister lost it when I told her. I do accept that I let her down and that I hurt her, and I truly feel bad about that. Just because we chose not to have a wedding party does not mean that I did not include my sister in the ceremony, and always intended to do so. She, along with my brother and my fiancee's two brothers were asked to carry the chuppah at the start of the ceremony, which all have accepted with pleasure, except my sister.
She has been pleading with me and guilt tripping me in extremely abusive and manipulative ways to try and get me to change my mind. She has pulled every dirty trick out of her bag and thrown it at me, always relating the source of her hurt feelings back to her experience of this event and the sad fact that she believes I don't love her. I said that no role I gave her in the wedding other than the one she wants will make her happy and she needs to get over that because it's not going to happen. It also boggles my mind a little because she has never bothered to try and get to know my fiancee, so why does she care so much about our day?
Last week, she sent me an e mail stating she would not participate in the ceremony because the custom “meant nothing to her” and that she will not attend the wedding. She also expressed that she no longer wanted to have a relationship with me and closed with “see you at the next funeral.” Frankly, after all the drama, I think I would prefer for her to not attend. (I have had a couple of dreams where she misbehaves at the wedding that have freaked me out a little. In one she threw a glass of red wine all over the front of my dress.) If the tables were turned and she didn't include me in her wedding, I would respect any decision she made and help out in whatever way she needed me to. I don't need to be her MOH to know that she loves me, but I guess she needs a title, a bad dress and some flowers to believe I love her, and that to me is truly sad. This situation has definitely put a cloud over the event for me but in the end, I just want her to come and celebrate with us. It is going to be a great party and I think the only person who is going to regret her choice is her. I do have a feeling that at the last minute she will decide to attend and everyone (my family) will praise her for being such a good sister for showing up. I feel like this is her last attempt to try and get me to change my mind, but I'm sticking to my guns. At this point she has caused me so much pain over my own wedding that I don't want her to stand up for me because someone who loves me would accept my decision with grace.
Do you think I did the right thing?
decline a bridesmaid
dear esb:
i am writing you, cause i love your honest and realistic advice, and because i need a third party's opinion.
one of my oldest friends is getting married in april. from high school to about last april, we were best friends. the type of best friends that we joked about how if we were single-old-maids, we'd live together with dogs. but last year when i dated a guy, she was not supportive about it and was quite vocal about her dislike [not to me, but to other people]. basically, we've drifted apart, and i would no longer consider her my best friend. however [and possibly unfortunately], we're roommates until i graduate in april.
she started dating a guy she has been close to for over a year now, and they just got engaged. i am happy for them, because they are in love and happy, but when she asked me to be her bridesmaid, i realized i wasn't that happy for them. i don't really want to be in her wedding party, and i don't know if i want to be forced into spending more time with them then i have to.
they as a couple are obnoxious, in-your-face and inconsiderate. here are a few examples:
- her fiance kisses her while he is in the middle of a conversations with me. i hate pda more than imaginable, and i brought that up. i talked to them, and told them that pda makes me uncomfortable. their response, "Leslie, when you're in love, you'll understand." i could've strangled someone.
- they are always in our apartment. always. if they have a free time, they are together, and 98% of the time, it's at our apt. even, if i am out in the living room watching TV. i have had a volume battle with them on multiple times. [keep in mind that he lives in an apartment complex literally 30 secs away]. it might not sound obnoxious, but over five months, it's getting really, really obnoxious.
is it reasonable for me to decline her offer and if so, how do i phrase it?
thanks,
a very disgruntled roommate.
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