Dear ESB,
I just found your blog and what great advice I did get by reading other people's issues and answers. However, I'm still in a pickle. This will sound very familiar in the beginning, but my real conundrum is at the end and boy would I sure appreciate some feedback. If you have the patience to read through this and hopefully post it, I'd be much obliged.
I just found your blog and what great advice I did get by reading other people's issues and answers. However, I'm still in a pickle. This will sound very familiar in the beginning, but my real conundrum is at the end and boy would I sure appreciate some feedback. If you have the patience to read through this and hopefully post it, I'd be much obliged.
The long description is pertinent to the feedback I'm asking for, I feel. I'm getting hitched, next month in fact. My problem involves my oldest friend being a volunteer bridesmaid or MOH for lack of better wrods. My fiance and I are going kind of non-traditional and not too formal but it's gonna be a party nonetheless! We are foregoing the traditional best man and bridesmaid thing but I wanted to at least ask my BF (I'll call her BF1 for clarity in this story) to bear witness. My fiance and I were really looking forward to arranging it all ourselves: venue, catering, invitations, decor etc., so I told her she didn't need to do anything, just show up, besides, some major tasks (venue, dress, guests) were already being finalized. She asked if I needed any help numerous times. Knowing her tendencies to complain and get grumpy I told her "no thanks, your presence is enough." She kept asking anyway, said she was great at wedding stuff, that it would be fun and easy for her since she'd done it so many times before. So I gave her the task of getting catering quotes. I was truly grateful, she was enthusiastic and helpful. Along the way, I decided I wanted to acknowledge my friendship with another good friend and asked her also as my other witness (I don't love the words bridesmaid or MOH.)
The only thing I asked was that they wear the same color dress. The dresses didn't have to match, they could be existing dresses in their closets and that I would arrange and purchase their bouquets and headgear (flowers and such.)
In the meantime, I had been entrenched in multitasking and over my head in work projects and knew I couldn't put my head into my own wedding game for another couple of weeks though had been looking forward to clearing my schedule and jumping in. My plan was to treat the two ladies to a pedi and dinner once my head was cleared. BF2 has been a huge support as well but NO drama.
Ok, so BF1 does great with catering quotes. I thank her profusely. She asked for more tasks, again very enthusiastic but my spider senses told me no and I listened. Her jokey comment that she felt like "my assistant" was the red flag that prompted me to casually say, "hey you've been really great, very valuable. But I can totally get the rest from here, you don't have to do anything else." I was gushing.
The incident: One day BF1 and BF2 were going to meet me at my house at a predetermined time and leave from there to the city. It was something I planned to do alone but invited them both so perhaps they could get together and hash out their dress colors. I said to them both, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO but you're welcome to tag along for fun, we can all go window shopping. BF1 lives 40 minutes away. BF2, who offered to drive everyone to the end destination, lives 5 minutes away. Final destination, another 30 minutes away. I made a point to remind BF#1 that we needed to meet no later than the given time and that BF2 would be driving. I did so because she had a tendency to always be late - very late. Not an exaggeration. We're talking no less than 45 minutes late the last few times she's come to see me. (She never invites me to her house.) After 20 minutes past the given time I get a txt from BF1 that she's stuck in traffic. BF2 had changed her plans for the day to get to my house on time mind you. In my mind, if I say I can be there at the given time, I'll be there, not think in the back of my head "well I live far so they should wait regardless."
30 minutes past I call BF1 to find out if she's moved any in traffic. No answer. I leave a voicemail suggesting - not stating because I didn't know what her current situation was - that perhaps we meet her in the city at which point, would have been much closer a drive for her anyway. I've had to do this a time or two myself as I live far away from my city friends. What's so hard about this, "hey guys, looks like I'm gonna be super late, run on, I'll meet you there." Also, BF2 has somewhere else to be later that day. BF1 texts me that she can't believe I would "do this to her." That after driving all that way, I couldn't even wait. At this point it's 40 minutes past. My response was. "REALLY?" She then later texts me that after dealing with all my "shit" this is the thanks she gets.
Were it only me, I'd have just waited like I had done so, so many times before. But this time there was someone else's time (BF2) to consider.
After recounting the above incident to friends and people that know her, some of the comments have been "well golly, you should feel bad for her, her best friend is getting married!" As if I didn't know! Trouble is, that's just more of the same garbage - letting her act like a child AT me because I feel sorry for her.
I did not respond with anger to her but given the "shit" comment, it did prompt me to ask her if that's how she felt about my wedding (which I have been too busy to shove down anyone's throat much less enjoy any enthusiasm myself) that I needed to know if she still wanted to come. It's been many days, no answer. Feeling confused.
I would absolutely love some feedback, thoughts anyone who wants to weigh in.
