Well looky there! Is that a backbone?

I have been kicked out of 2 weddings. But I swear, I'm nice!

Just to give you some perspective, I just turned 22, have been a bridesmaid 4 times, and have been to over 50 weddings in the last 3 years.
Yes, my friends do need hobbies.

I am writing because 1. your blog is like finding water in the desert. Seriously. Every bride, MIL, MOB, and bridesmaid needs to read ESB, because my guess is, it would smack some sense and humility into a few of them. Or at least that's what I would hope would happen. 2. I figured if I could help some poor girl in the future with my horrible wedding experiences, they might have been worth it. One of my biggest pieces of wedding advice to ladies is this: IT IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE TO SAY NO TO BEING A BRIDESMAID.

Trust me, it may seem awkward or you may be afraid to have that confrontation. If any of you are like me, you just want people to be happy and leave you alone.
But, in many cases, it may actually SAVE your friendship if you say no. Why? Oh, maybe perhaps because most brides I know all said "I am going to be the most laid-back bride you've ever seen. You will love being my bridesmaid." And then 3 months and $1500 later, you are ready to blow your brains out because they are demanding you lose weight, throw them 5 showers, spend another $2k on Vegas, and telling you how much your school and work life is cutting into HER wedding schedule. Well pardon me for having a life, lady. You will start to resent the way your "friend/bridezilla" is treating you and take it from me, she will pick up on that. Especially if she's crazy. However, sometimes no longer speaking to people after getting kicked out of their wedding is a good thing. Which leads me to my second point:

It is also perfectly acceptable to cut horrible friends out of your life. And if you are unsure about any of your friends, trust me, their wedding will flush out their true colors. My mom likes to say weddings are like life trials: they bring out either the best or worst in people. The two weddings I was kicked out of were miserable, because the brides are terrible, selfish people. No thank you, I do not feel like choosing between 100,000 emerald earrings, only to have you hate the ones I picked, and then change the earrings all together. I spent so much time, money, and energy trying to "be there for them" for every little meltdown, buy cute presents, spent hundreds of hours crafting my stupid life away on ugly zebra print Save The Dates. If your friends or family are needy, clingy, rude people, their wedding will only magnify that. Getting kicked out of both weddings were some of the greatest days of my life because it forced me to see how I allowed people to use and treat me. (If anyone is wondering why I got kicked out: Wedding #1: because I finally stood up to the bride and told her to stop gossiping about me to her family and other bridesmaids and to treat me with respect. She promptly kicked me out and I walked away happier than I had been in a year. Wedding #2: This bride felt I didn't "care" enough because I lived halfway across the country. She had her dad call my mom to tell me I was out. Yeah, I know. Also: I told both brides I expected them to refund the money I had spent on shoes, dress, etc. They both refused, despite the fact that I spent nearly $2k on each wedding).

I have only enjoy 2 of the weddings I have been in (I guess 50% isn't bad. Or does that mean I'm failing at being a bridesmaid? That's definitely possible). I absolutely loved my best friend's wedding as well as my brother's (because his fiance is freaking amazing and one of my closest friends). The reasons these weddings were so fun: 1. The brides are laid-back, kindhearted, self-less people. 2. Their taste rocks. 3. They actually picked dresses I have worn again (but then again, see #2).
My point: pick awesome friends, grow a backbone, and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Lastly, and I can't imagine anyone who reads your blog would be guilty of this, but hey, you never know! For heavens sake, please do NOT ask to be a bridesmaid, especially if your friend isn't even DATING anyone yet. I literally had a friend cry when she asked to be my future MOH (I am very much single by the way) and I awkwardly told her that job would be going to my insanely awesome sister. Lastly, don't get offended if your friend puts you "last" in the row of bridesmaids during the ceremony. It's not a freaking competition. She asked you to stand up there with her, out of the hundreds of people she knows. Be honored and happy for her and stop comparing yourself to the other girls.

Mkay, rant over,
Used To Want To Be A Wedding Planner

8 weeks to wedding - matrons of honor fighting over dresses

Dear ESB:

A little background.  Several weeks ago one of my oldest and dearest friends took her own life.  I have been dealing with the grief as well as the memory of having been the person who went to her house to be with her mother while the coroner came.  My fiance has been a constant source of support.

In light of the tragedy as well as having lost another good friend in the past year, my fiance looked at me and said, "Life is too short to spend a year planning the the perfect party.  I want to marry you right away." We quickly found a venue available eight weeks from now, cleared the date with our family and closest friends and made some fast decisions. All has been going well until I spoke with my sister and best friend, both of whom I hoped would stand up with me, about what they should wear.

I thought I was being laid back by telling them there is no time to worry about traditional bridesmaid attire.  I let them know that what is important to me is that they are there by my side, and feel comfortable and beautiful in whatever they select. Since both ladies are infinitely more fashionable than I am, I didn't think it was my place to tell them what to wear.  They both are familiar with the venue, know what my dress looks like and attend formal events on a regular basis.  Wrongly. I assumed they would be thrilled for the chance to either shop for something new and fabulous without any restrictions, or wear something beautiful and appropriate that they already own. I offered to go shopping with them either as a group or each individually if they would like. `

Since I discussed this with them there has been nothing but drama.  Both are very concerned that the other is going to select something that will be "better or more sexy" than their selection.  I tried providing guidelines, based on their input, I even suggested that both just wear black to keep it simple. This escalated to more infighting and no one willing to even discuss what they might wear because they want to wait until the other one selects something.  I finally asked if it would be easier if I just picked a dress off the rack for both of them.  This was met by looks of horror and the exclamation of one with "You know Matron 1 is a completely different body type than me." and "That just won't work. I am not a cookie-cutter person." from the other.

How do I handle this? Do I give them each other's phone numbers and tell them to hash it out? I was in both of their weddings and wore the dresses they selected for their bridesmaids without complaint.  There is so much bad blood about something so trivial that I fear that the real reason My fiance and I are getting married is being eclipsed by this diva war.

Any advice would be very welcome.

Thank you

Still Secretly Updating My Playlist

Dear ESB,

My MOH is my best friend and generally pretty awesome. She is also FH’s cousin and currently planning her own wedding to FH’s friend. She got engaged a week before me (the fellas unknowingly bought rings on the same day) and set their date a few days later. FH and I had a harder time setting our date. We’d always envisioned fall, but have siblings getting married this year and next, and our other siblings couldn’t afford to fly across the country twice within a few months. Outdoor wedding was a must, so we chose next summer, six weeks before MOH’s wedding. She wasn’t happy but seemed to get over it, and our weddings are turning out to be quite different. Hers is a sit-down dinner at a beautiful but expensive country club. Ours is a (hopefully) relaxed and cheap beach ceremony followed by a party in my parents’ backyard nearby. A friend’s cousin will be doing our buffet-style catering. His wife is a DJ and offers discounts to people who book both of them. Sounds obvious that we should hire her, right? Nope. MOH was the one who first talked about this DJ, and then declared that we can’t have the same one because our weddings will be too similar and will have the same music. I thought all wedding DJs played basically the same music? The standards with some requests thrown in? Anyway, I never even wanted a DJ in the first place. After I got engaged, I started happily creating a playlist of my favorite love and dance songs peppered with the weird crap I like. But FH really wants a DJ and MOH convinced me that I should compromise. I agreed, and he said he would take care of the pricing, contract, etc. Then MOH called dibs on this DJ. FH thinks it’s ridiculous and plans on pursuing her anyway. A part of me feels like I should just let the two of them work it out. They’re family after all. But I love them both dearly and don’t want this to cause a fight, especially over something that is so low on my list of things to give a shit about. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Still Secretly Updating My Playlist